The Sudden Loss of My Husband

by Christine

My husband was killed just over seven weeks ago in a car crash caused by speed and dangerous driving by the other driver. I feel that I am not coping and at times feel as if I am getting worse each day. The shock and disbelief has left me numb but a the same time the pain is indescribable. I have dreams which make me so full of sorrow but at the same time I want to dream about him. I am so afraid of my future. We had 31 years together. I feel uncertain that this will ever feel better and am so depressed.

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Jun 22, 2014
For the sudden loss of my husband by Christine, Australia
by: Elisa


I lost my husband of 44 years suddenly to pancreatic cancer that comes without warning and spreads fast--his spread immediately to his liver, etc. He and I were in shock when we heard the diagnosis. He lasted 10 miserable months with the effects of chemo, morphine for pain, etc., and he died in my arms on a beautiful Summer night, one in which he and I would have been taking a walk in. I think at times I still don't believe that my handsome, smart, wonderful, loving, generous husband is not here. We were attached at the hip so to speak, and away from each other only when he was at work. We lived for each other, and he also lived and helped me with my aging and ailing parents who also died.
I miss him so much, that I have a face stained with tears, dark eyes that are sad, with circles the color of charcoal, and I am so thin from really not eating much. I don't even want to go on and many days I wish I would not awake.

For me it will never get better. I hate to not be encouraging, but I can't lie. Maybe you will do better than I am, but I will never, ever be the same.

I met another woman from Australia on another web page for grief called recover from of husband and soulmate, and we email each other all the time. She feels just like me; we aren't really helping each other, but we just can't -- we miss our husbands so much that we don't know how we are still surviving.

You had a sudden tragedy hit you, and I can't imagine how bad that was; you didn't have a chance to have a warning; I knew as soon as he was diagnosed that not many people survive pancreatic cancer.

So, I pray for you, for all of us who suffer so much, and really people dont understand unless they have gone through it all. Love, Elisa, Hugo's devoted wife who misses him every second.

Jun 19, 2014
by: ann dumas

i lost my husband 8 weeks ago. we have been married for 31 years. my life is so lonley.trying to go on without him is so hard. i know time will heal my heart.but how do you go on. people say you will go on with life things get better i hope so its been very hard. he was a great husband and person.

Jun 14, 2014
Lost with regret
by: Anonymous

Lost and lonely describes the last 5 months of my life since my husband passed he was young healthy and active he turned 40 two weeks before he had a aneurism I came home from work to a happy healthy man that was so excited to go to a eagles game with one of his best friends about 10-15 minutes after I walked in the door he grabbed his head and screamed he said it was the worse pain he ever felt in his life I gave him ibuprofen and told him to go upstairs and lay down I went upstairs about 2 minutes later he was on the floor sweating and twitching but he told me not to call 911 because he didn't want to miss the game so I called my neighbor that is a nurse one look at him and she told us to call 911 then she asked him his name he said his name and his head feel to the side that was the last thing he Ever said me and my oldest son stood there scared as we ever were in our whole life once we got to the hospital the dr told us that he may not survive the surgery 16 hours later he was in recovery I thought for sure he would make it because I knew what a fighter he was he hung in there for about 2 weeks then the dr called us in for a meeting when he told us the was no brain activity as his wife I had to be the one to say take him off life support by far the hardest decision I ever had to make if I could go back in time I don't think I would have made the same decision there could have been a slight chance of him coming back to us but now there's not I live my life with so much regret I feel like it's killing me the only thing that keep me going everyday is our three children even though half the time I think they hate me I can't give up on them like everyone has gave up on me

May 31, 2014
by: Anonymous

I lost my husband a couple of months ago and I cant see anything right anymore. My children aren't wanting to deal husband died suddenly but we knew it happen eventually because of a rare diese he had we (I say we cause my children are all I have now) new it would come he broke his neck but its like well it was going to happpen thats what everyone says to me at least it was quick but we dont feel any better about it but where acceptancing the situation and moving on not getting over it

May 22, 2014
Why did he take his LIFE?
by: Anonymous

My husband Was the best thing that Ever happened to me.
He Was very very deppressed and took his LIFE bye hanging himself.there is such an emptiness in my LIFE....I miss him so much. I Will never be the same person again.....

Apr 07, 2014
Miss him loads
by: Anonymous

I lost my husband 11 years ago I still miss him now as I did when it. Happened we were out for a drive when he went dizzy luckily I managed to stop the car as he was driving I felt so hopeless not knowing what to do he had a massive heart attack at the age of 56 I still wonder if I could have done some think to have helped him. I still need to talk about him and wonder if people get sick of it and need to move on

Apr 06, 2014
loss of my loving husband
by: Anonymous

3My husband had been suffering from a terrible headache for tw weeks,underwent a scan and was diagnosed with meningomia, underwent a brain operation which I thought will save his life but he passed on, on the 16 june 2013, his family chased me out of their family house which we have fixed together, I can't get over the thought of him being gone, it is so hard, the people I expected to give me moral support have all turn their backs on me, the nly thing I live for is him in my memory daily,seeing him cooming back to life is all I wish for. I know whwerever he is, he is sharing my pain with me, he guides me, he is irreplaceable.I miss him dearly. I wish my God will give him his life and soul back for us to be together again. We shared 26 years of happy moments before his untimely death. Oh how I hate death............

Mar 29, 2014
Hurt and Confused.
by: Anonymous

Is Death of a husband worse than parents' ?
I wonder because there is no explanation if I feel more sad for loss of my parents or vice versa.
I'm confused.

Feb 15, 2014
Worst part of my life,a tragedy of my husband
by: Anonymous

It's so hard that u loved the most was gone and not beside u anymore.We're just newlywed last dec but most unexpected news to me that he found dead last feb 1 this year and still don't have the result of what happened to him.We're just starting our married life and always saying infinity our love til become older together,but i always thinking why him and why us,we did a good things to other people and we both good kids to our parents and we don't have enemy as well,why him????a lot of bad people in this world why not hard for me and we don't have yet a kids,he's so young to died and breaking my heart to missing him so just wait my time to be together again...forever infinity in the next life...i need to be strong coz he still look after me up there...❤️💋

Jan 24, 2014
15 months of heaven
by: Anonymous

That's how long we were married. My husband was killed by a hit and run driver. He was riding his bike to an Easter sunrise service April 8, 2012
I don't remember the first year and half. I can't have his picture out because all I see is the loss.
We were suppose to live out our senior years together. He was 63 when he was killed. I blamed myself,,,why didn't I go with him then we would have driven the car and he would still be here with me
I was sent the following and I still read it to this day
"Follow your Destiny Wherever it Leads you
There comes a time in your life when you realize that if you stand still, you will remain at this point forever. you realize that if you fall and stay down, life will pass you by...Life's circumstances are not always what you might wish them to be. The pattern of life does not necessarily go as you plan. Beyond any understanding, you may at times be led in different directions that you never imagined, dreamed, or designed. Yet if you had never put any effort into choosing a path, or tried to carry out your dream, then perhaps you would have no direction at all
Rather than wondering about or questioning the direction your life has taken, accept the fact that there is a path before you now. Shake of the "why's" and "what ifs" and rid yourself of confusion. Whatever was-is in the past. Whatever is-is what's important. The past is a brief reflection. The future is yet to be realized. today is here.(This was hard for me to read)
Walk your path one step at a time-with courage, faith, and determination. Keep you head up, cast your dreams to the stars. Soon your steps will become firm, and your footing will be solid again. A path that you never imagined will become the most comfortable direction you could have ever hoped to follow.
Keep your belief in yourself and walk into you new journey. You will find it magnificent, spectacular, and beyond your wildest imaginings".
Written by Vicki Silvers

Jan 22, 2014
My beautiful husband
by: Debra

I lost my beautiful husband 9 months ago he was only 34 I am only 36 we would have been married 2 years August gone. I am literally lost my world is just changed just like that. Miss my beautiful soulmate and husband now my angle so much. We where so in love we just lived for each other and lived as one just so unfair :(

Jan 11, 2014
To every single person who writes on this page...
by: Hugo's Elisa

My heart knows your hearts' pain, your struggle to get by a second, a minute and an hour and whole day and night without your love of your life.

I suffer so much that as time goes by, I don't feel less depression and sadness, I feel more.
I miss my husband so much that I try to think of how I'm going to live on without him, and I wish I would just go to sleep and not wake up and then see him again in Heaven. I exist, that's it.

Friends have their own husbands and lives; so does my family. It seems everyone is living happily ever after except me, and all of you.

It's unfair, I get angry, sad, frustrated, and I even bargain with God, if he'd let my husband return, I 'd devote my entire life to his Word.

I do not know what to do. I roam the house on days I have no chores or things to do. I hate going out--I go out early to avoid people I know or may bump into. I shop for food, pay bills, go to the bank and po when I have to. No one answers their voicemail--like they avoid me.

I hate this life, and I wish I never lost my dear husband. He was too good, special, and there are so many things I miss and I have to cope with that he took care of. I'd give anything to have him come home to our house that he loved. He loved me, no matter what.

What do we do? Please someone tell me. Please write back using my name on top. I'll visit journey through and see if anyone writes back. Thanks. Love Elisa

Jan 09, 2014
by: Anonymous

I lost my husband in July of 2012 in a drowning accident. People said to me that this terrifying, sckening feeling would get better with time, but that's a lie. I don't understand why God would take my husband. We were together for thirty-five years, and he was a beautiful man. He was my home. Now I have no home and a broken heart that can never heal. I'm thinking of giving up on life because after 18 months, I can't survive the pain. Please pray for me.

Dec 07, 2013
My husband's suicide
by: Anonymous

My husband committed suicide on 9/9/2013,he was my everything,we been through so much and he was only 23. It's been a terrible worst disaster in my life.It's been three month and I constantly think of him every single day. Its so cruel, I don't want to accept the fact, I truly love him and adore him, however, we get to the point of no return, we were going through a divorce. I never thought that he needed me that much or when he said to me he couldn't live with out me he mean it and I just never thought he really gonna do that. He had bad problems of sleep and we have been struggling a lot stress lately. Now I still constantly think of him everyday, I just try to do my best to survive. Everytime I listen to the music we both like, I feel sad and everything reminds me of him. It's so hard.

Dec 02, 2013
to no able to move forward
by: Anonymous

Your entry made me cry. I feel so sorry for you--five years---yah, I believe it---I am only at ten months. There is no getting over such a loss! It has destroyed me. My husband was cremated as well. For Halloween, I played a favorite song and lit a candle to his little box. I too am abandoned by the few remaining I thought I could count on. With most people talk is cheap. I wish I could tell you its gonna get better but from all I read its like living with a disease. We just manage it. One thing has sustained me, my contempt for most people has not disappointed me. Cant wait til there day comes round. Peace and comfort

Nov 28, 2013
My husband also took his life
by: Anonymous

I am so sorry to hear of your loss. My husband of 28 years also took his life. He was hurt 6 years ago after a fall and was left disabled. June 25, 2013 he shot himself why I was gone. My life feels like it ended too. Half of by body feels like it is missing. I feel for you. I know exactly how you are feeling. I am 54. My kids are grown. I spent 30 years with him
Keep your head up. I Dance. I turn the music up loud and Dance.


Nov 20, 2013
My love, my mate, our daddy
by: Anonymous

I just recently lost my soul mate 2 1/2 weeks ago to a car crash.
We were together for 15yrs, with 2 children, 11 and 10 yrs. also 13 yrs ago we lost our first baby to cot death, he was just 8 weeks old. We thought that would be our worst life experience.
For our 15yrs together we were together everyday, we have a farm together with his parents, so we worked, played, lived and loved each other everyday.
In the time together we were apart only for 6 days, we were not too good without each other. I truly believe we were true soul mates.
The worse thing about his death is that he was not ready to go, we had so many plans.
I find this difficult to comprehend and I can see him so vividly coming home in his ute with the dust behind him, standing in our kitchen, cutting a slice of cheese, so many things.
I can't wait to see him again, but I know that I need to be here for our kids. Someone told me that I'm strong and that's why I'm left here, because he knows I will take care of our children and our farm
I don't feel strong at the moment, but I know in time I will smile again and I have him with me forever until we are reunited once more

I miss and love you my darling

Nov 08, 2013
to: not able to move forward
by: Anonymous

I am new to this thing called death of spouse and I already get the idea of what I have in store for some time to come. My husband died this year suddenly at the age of 63. We lived for each other. Having said that of the few left in family and friends all have abandoned me and from what I read this is what you can expect---don't expect---this is a soulful lonely trip that we were mysteriously selected for. As for God, I hope you find solace in all that since this happened to me all of my beliefs are shattered. I found your birthday tribute so touching and wonderful. That you were able to do that really makes me cry and that's a good thing. A beautiful tribute--I hope you can find ways to peace but after five years---that tells me anyway about all the nevers.

Nov 04, 2013
Why did he do this?
by: Angi

On Oct. 19th, 2013 I lost my soul mate. He was my best friend and the father of our 2 grown children. He decided to take his own life after suffering from depression and while under the influence of prescription drugs..(NOT HIS). I am having a very hard time with this and feel like my life is no longer worth living. I have no intention of hurting myself but just can't stop blaming myself. I have loved this amazing man for 22 years and to suddenly not have him in my life is like my heart died along with him. I have no desire for anything, not even our grandchild. How can I stop obsessing over this and restore some kind of balance in my life? I now find myself not caring whether I take care of myself so my life will be shorter so I can be with him on the other side. I am only 40 and he was only 42, so I get sad thinking that I have to wait so long to be with him.

Nov 01, 2013
not able to move forward
by: Anonymous

This January it will be 5 years that my husband died. He was my life and I miss him more then ever. My family and friends never mention him and I have nobody to talk to about how I am feeling. He died on our anniversary and three days later I brought his ashes home from the funeral home.It was his birthday. He would have been 62 that day. I was all alone and just stood in the kitchen staring at the container. I know it sounds crazy but I went out and bought a birthday cake for him and a beautiful card. The cake had his name on it and I could only remember how much we had always enjoyed celebrating together. I ask God to take care of my husband every night. I feel so alone and it all seems like a bad dream. I am trying to find something to do with the rest of my life that would make me happy. I am not having a lot of luck with that. I am having a hard time trying to figure out why God had to take him.

Oct 29, 2013
how to go on
by: mommoftwo84

i lost my husband a week ago unexpectedly..we had two lil kids together.. we had been seperated for two years but off and on together.he was young only 33..i loved him with my whole heart and im wondering why it took his death to make me realize how much i wanted to be with him. he had a head injury and was fine and died suddenly and unexpectdly.. i keep asking why and i know ill never get the answers i want but i cant help but ask why.. our kids are 5 and 3...i would do anything to get him back or have one more day with him.. i feel like some of you i want to see him to bad i thought of taking my life but i wouldnt do that to my kids.. they are the only thing keeping me going.. i cant eat i hardly sleep.. i went back to work after 6 days and it helped but he was always in there seeing me and stopping to talk to me so it was hard not seeing him in there.. i know we were separated at the time of his death but i feel like i never want to move on just live enough til i get to heaven and see him again...

Oct 25, 2013
by: Anonymous

My husband died feb 2013. Just as all of you have said..its a horrible feeling living without him. He was my best friend and now I am numb. How can he ever be replaced? I keep hoping for a terminal illness diagnosis so I can just go. Ive been a nurse for a long time and I have seen people will themselves to die. I just cant take the pain

Oct 12, 2013
Lost my bestfriend, my husband
by: Anonymous

On August 14th I got a phone call saying my husband was in a serious motorcycle accident. I never imagined that when he walked out the house earlier that evening, that would be the last time I would ever get to speak to him again. A driver cut him off and he flipped off his bike. He suffered from traumatic brain injury. He was in the ICU, and I watched him ever day fighting for his life for 2 weeks and he died on August 29th 2013. Now I'm left to raise our to children by myself and I don't know where to go from here. I have always been a strong women and very spiritual but I am so angry right now that he was taken away from us. I am 31 yrs old and a widow. He was such a wonderful husband and father and he was only 32. I just don't understand why this happened. We tried to live according to God's will. We made mistakes of course but why him. God doesn't put more on you than you can bare, but this I don't know if I can handle this.

Sep 22, 2013
his gone
by: Anonymous

I still can't believe his gone.on the 16 august 2013 I lost my fiancee in a car accident.everyone survived but he died.still shocked.its over a month.I'm pregnant with his child just 3 months now.he was so happy that he was going to be a dad.he even gave him a name (sphamandla).I still have answered questions to god why he had to take him away so early.he didn't even get the chance to hold his baby.but god knows why.each day is different.sometimes I cry more and dnt want to get out of bed.still has not returned to work.can't deal with the stress of work rite now.he was a very honest guy.he loved me and would do anything to satisfy me.he would always make sure I'm happy and never let anything get in our relationship.he used to say to me no one will ever separete us except death.then yes it took him.our love was so strong.I sometimes try to call his phone maybe perhaps they made a mistake and he is in hospital somewhere.but still its on voicemail.he does not respond me.not an hour will pass woithout him calling me but now its been a month nothing.I jusyt wonder if he misses me in heaven and he thinks about me and his unborn child.does he nag god to come and see me.I wonder.I just miss him.he was my soulmate.we just connected.I miss u my love.simangaliso sami.

Aug 14, 2013
Feel so guilty
by: Anonymous

My husband of twenty years was diagnosed with bladder cancer last year in November. He was having TURBT treatment but was unfit for chemo as he had COPD. He was due to go for a 3 month TURBT check up on the 4th of June 2013. He had picked up weight and regained some of his strength and we really hoped for the best. He never told me about the cancer I read it on his hospital report. On the 31st of May 2013 3 days before his check up he was doing maintenance on the bird cage roof which collapsed and he broke some of his ribs. He died two days after that from the rib injury. It was such a shock to me as he was in hospital and I had no clue of to how bad the injury was. I feel so guilty and lonely as I should have pushed the doctors to do more for him. I miss him so I cant clear my head or function properly.

Aug 06, 2013
Husband also died in car crash
by: Anonymous


I lost my husband also to a car accident by a reckless driver almost 4 weeks ago while vacationing in Greece. We were headed to Bulgaria when a car overtook us and caused an accident witha semi that crashed into us. We would have been married 39 years and I have the same feelings you do. I understand everything you are going through.

Jul 29, 2013
by: Anonymous

The fact that we have all found each other here across so many miles is HOPE in its finest form. I lost my husband in January of 2013.

Yes, hating god , losing faith , depression and utter despair are normal reactions in these extreme circumstances.

You are NOT going crazy!!!!

We need help from many places at these times. It is NOT shameful to take anti-depressants or sleeping pills to help get you settled in a calmer frame of mind just to cope. Consult with your doctors, seek out therapy, talk to good friends. You will have bad days. The best advice I got was... If you need to cry do it. The only way is to go "through" it and yes it is work. It s going to hurt.

But, know you are not alone. I remember recently wondering ... How can the world go on when my life has been shattered. Why don't they know he is dead?

Do not be surprised or disheartened if you lose certain friends/family after the death of a loved one. This is Guanteed to happen. Everyone looks for someone to blame. Yes, it hurts but your true real friends /family will surface in unexpected ways.

Sometimes we have to make the calls to keep in touch, people are afraid to approach us because they just don't know what to say.

Meditation does help and so does excercise. Seek out love and light for those dark days. It is OK to be happy. ( your loved one would only want the best for you )

I hope this helps even just a little.

Remember... They( friends, family, children, coworkers) may not be the arms you want (missing the arms and love of your loved one) around you but you are still surrounded by love
Be well

Jul 21, 2013
Life start from now full of suffer to me!!!!
by: Zumii

Me ,my mum,my dad & my husband ,a pet encounter an accident at 30-4-2013 ,when I woke up I realized I'm in hospital & my husband in ICU.We just got married for a month,at that time I don't knw my mum & dad was pass away on the spot ,after my husband announced by doctor brain damage n I was send his body back to his country to ready his funeral.At his country even when I was in hospital I didn't stop tryin to call my dad n mum,but my relatives hidden truth from me.Until when I was at my husband country that was already 20 days passed from accident I feel something wrong and my husband sister finally honest to me and show me the incident on is so cruel to me ,I can't even attend my mum and dad funeral and everybody claimed for my good.i don't know how to be strong ,because the car crash until all of the people doesn't seems to understand why I'm the only survivor.i can't be survive from this accident but it happened...I very depressed now I'm all alone without family anymore...what lesson I had to learn from this life ?its so difficult test on me!!!

Jul 14, 2013
Sudden loss of a husband
by: Stagedoor

I lost my husband of 38+ years last month (June). It has taken a month for me to get over the numbness...the feeling that it really didn't happen, and he'll come in the door at any moment. Today has been an extremely difficult day...I don't know just has. I am crying much more than I have in the past month...and I realize I am probably going to need to get into a support group as well as therapy. I am a teacher, so I have been off work since 9 days before my husband's death. Yeah...he was always thoughtful...and he seemed to have timed his death so I would have the most amount of time off work to deal with it.

I know the best thing for me will be to get back to work, and have something else to think about. But I am worried about breaking down in front of high school students.

I am doing several things that the "experts" tell you not to do...I am moving closer to work, and buying a home in that town. But this was something that my husband and I had already planned to do in late summer/early fall, when he retired. He just didn't make it to retirement.

I've had a lot of help from my well as my former/current students. But today is the first day that it has really struck me...the finality of my marriage. Was it perfect? No. And guilt is part of the problem I'm dealing with, as he was a "saint" (not said just because he has passed), and I was TOTALLY not saintly! When we argued or disagreed...I was pretty much ALWAYS in the wrong. So the guilt thing, about not being a better wife, is what is plaguing me now.

I have always been very independent...and I hope I can draw on that again, because the pain is really all-encompassing. My children are grown and gone (although very supportive), and it's my three "fur babies - my doggies -- that are getting me by at the moment!

Thank you to the journey through grief website to let me vent!

Jul 14, 2013
Death of partner no children
by: Anonymous

HI I lost my partner in February after 23 years together (he was 49). His death was also sudden and we had no children. I find that now 5 months after his death that the feelings of dread are more heightened. I would not take my life but my views on the world are very morbid. Happiness is something of the past. I am, sad and lonely and see no positives or purpose in life. I hope that this may get better, but hanging in there. There has not been one day that I haven't cried. We were soul mates. I also find it strange that friends do not keep in touch, friends that you thought were close. It makes you think that your partner was the link and you were just a cling on. Makes you question who you are and your worth. Anyway not in a good space hope this does not last forever. I feel sick that I am the youngest in my family, my mum and dad have died and looks like I have a lot of death to deal with in the roads ahead.Time is making things worse not better. I so understand where you are at.

Jul 11, 2013
No one knows...
by: Anonymous

I lost my husband August 28th 2012 at 3:30 am. He died of a proximial acute aortic aneurisim it was very sudden no chance to say goodbye. He thought he had a really bad pulled muscle from moving some stuff around that day so about 12:30 that night I took him to the hospital. I never expected it never in a million years. He just turned 30. We had been together since I was 14, just celebrated our 10 year wedding anniversary. We renewed our vows. That was a wonderful day. I'm trying to be happy without him here. Sometimes I think I'm moving foward doing good than sonething will trigger a memory, dreams are the absolute worst sometimes. I miss him. I get so mad sometimes that I was givin 16 years with my soulmate and God just took hom away just like that. What is the point???!!!! We had no children, we tried for years but was never blessed. I didn't really have any close friends and most of my family that is still living live far away. I started dating a few months ago. I've been dating a very old friend some one we both knew since Highschool. My husband always liked him and said he was one of the nicest people he has ever met. Feels good that i know I have his blessing. Im treated very good and nowadays Im having a lot more happy days than bad days. Life is continuing on although it is very sad and frustrating at times I know I have no other choice but to live....

Jun 15, 2013
Never in my worst dreams...
by: Varthini

It is going to be a month now since i lost my husband to be in a car crash that took his life.Our wedding plans are going on and 2 years with him we have been living together and doing everything together. He is my everything. My world. I will be turning 21 this August and he turned 31 on May 5th. On 19th May he was supposed to come back home after a work meeting at 3.30 p.m but instead got caught up with work and friends. And when he was supposed to come back at 8.00 p.m his friend called him back to see him. My husband was really very tired since he was exhausted from work and lacking sleep. Our last conversation was around 10 when he told me he would be back home and that he is stressed with work. I slept off while waiting for him come home. at about 11.45 My mother woke up next to me with a phone call and she started panicking and shouting and i kept asking her what had happened and all she said was that he died. my whole world went crashing down and i couldnt believe anything and begged god at my altar for it not to be true till my brother spoke to my father in law and told us the news was true and that his body was just there and till now i dont really know what i started breaking or screaming and not being in control of myself. Everyone says just because i am not married to him yet i can carry on and many people say time will heal and that i am young but he is my soulmate and i cant take this pain its so painful waking up and seeing him not there next to me. he wanted kids so badly and we were waiting to have kids and now all i see are dreams crashed down. i cant go to college anymore i cant go through each day any longer. i keep asking god why do this to such a wonderful man. he was a gem of a guy and he could capture the hearts of anyone instantly. He always said to me "baby without you there is no me, and without me there is no you. It is impossible for us to be without each other". And now he is gone. And im alone. He was all that my mother,my younger brother and i had. My family adored him and he was neevr treated as a son in law but he was always a son to my mum. And now without him around our lives are so empty and hollow and we know commiting suicide is not going to allow us to meet him we are waiting for the day when our turn comes to be with him again. What is happening to this world... I feel like i dont belong here any longer... It is not my place to be in anymore... He was, he is, and he always will be my husband as our souls are one... foreevr and always... being with him always felt like i had known him all my life...

May 10, 2013
by: Anonymous

My partner of 2 years passed away after a sudden turn in his liver due to cancer. We hadn't know each for long but feels like a life time. We found out his cancer came back just over 1 year ago and we promised to do it together. I was there every step of the way. He was so positive and got through everything that came his way. We thought we could buy more time with this treatment but before we got in, his liver turned for the worst. No words can explain how much I miss him and love him. We cared so deeply for each other. It pains me to deal with his ex wife and their kids. Despite trying we didn't manage to have a child on our own. She was so nasty to him even when he was in and out of hospital. It brings much anger. I wish to see him again and be in his arms. For him to comfort and protect me, and I can make him smile

May 09, 2013
Loss of spouse
by: Anonymous

I lost my beautiful husband on 3/6/13 , three months after he suffered a traumatic brain injury (fell down our steps). He was getting better after much suffering and died suddenly in hospital with no expectation of this. He was my best friend, my whole world. We had no children and did everything together. I am lost. I hate my life and am having trouble with my faith. I don't know how I can go on.

May 01, 2013
lost my lovable husband
by: Anonymous

sudden demise of my husband pains a lot . On 16 jan 2013 early morning around 3oclock he woke me up saying feeling difficult in breathing.I took him to near by hospital but of no use.since that day i cant believe that he is no more.I read all the comments posted in this are similar to my lovable husband died of heart attack. i cant believe how he had this problem. He was only 42yrs,very active,energetic,playful daddy to my children. He was my friend,philosopher,guide, and everything in this world to me.Even i felt of commiting suicide.But my parents stopped me. No one can understand my feelings living without him.I want him back.He is all to me.I dono what to do without him in this world.Everybody says I must live for the sake of my children but i cant. Everyday his loss ebbs with fulof sorrows.I lovehim forever. I cant say more than this . I love you pa.....

Apr 26, 2013
I am praying for you
by: Anonymous

I pray that our Heavenly Father will comfort and guide you as only He knows how to do. Please take care of yourselves.

Apr 24, 2013
The lost of my husband
by: Anonymous

I lost my husband March 22,2013 due to diabetes type 2 and kidney failure. He passed away at home i miss him so much. His birthday was that Wed.and he died that Thursday the day after.It have been very hard for me to cope with it We had been together for 43 long years.I try to keep myself busy and read the bible for comfort and peace i know that God will see me through this difficult time. I thank God for my children and for the people that God has put in my life to help me get through this.I know that my husband is in a better place because he is not in any more pain and suffering and that i will see him again one day.

Apr 23, 2013
lost my hustand to sudden heard attach 3/17/13
by: Anonymous

I'm reading all of your stories and my heart breaks for each and every one of you. The mother with the 2 young children I'm so sad for you. I pray you gain strength to cope. I lost my husband suddenly too but I feel lucky to have had almost 30 yrs and 2 beautiful girls with him. Even so, I cry every day and I feel my heart is broken. I have guilt that maybe I should have taken better care of him and made him go to the doctor more. I pray for all of you, so sorry for anyone to go through this kind of grief.

Apr 23, 2013
What are we doing here?
by: Anonymous

I recently attended my half-sisters funeral which ended a marriage of 62 years! Her husband told me even after sixty years and with preparation for her death: "its the hardest thing I will ever do" and he was in the Korean war.
You could not have convinced me in a million years that my handsome, noble and kind husband's early and sudden death was just on the horizon. He died suddenly of SCS but before he went he mustered a little smile goodbye slowly closing his eyes. I guess I have been lucky for most of my life has not known incredible pain or seen death up close but the images of that day will haunt me until I die. And like all of you, I too died that day--just a shell of my former self. After 31 years, my life took an ugly and unexpected turn. It is now a world of shattered dreams and broken pieces. He was just about to celebrate his 64th birthday. Tom, took care of himself and I of him. We were two entwined vines, bought a little nest out west and let the rest of the world go by. Now that world is gone and I HATE everything! This is the beginning of my prison sentence. There is NO escape; only torture.
I share deeply in your grief but really don't want to be here, as I know you all don't. I cry buckets reading your entries as I too, am feeling all the pain of despair, and depression. He was my best friend and all that I had in this world. We lived for each other so why am I still here? We had everything in common. I too, had no reason to believe he would be taken from me not to grow old together; His death and funeral were an out of body experience, now the harsh reality of Tom's absence has set in. How does anyone do this? It's all I can do to get out of bed--what's the purpose? It's cruel that this happened to all of us. Through this unbearable ordeal you will find who truly cares for you and as for the thoughtless and selfish, be consoled that their time will come. And I will go so far as to say that these kinds of people embitter me to the point where I wish them their due.

Apr 18, 2013
Anniversary party
by: Anonymous

My husband died suddenly we was celebrating our 25 wedding anniversary and he had a massive heart attack just fell to the floor we cud don't believe it 2 ambulance came but they couldn't get him back all we cud do was watch over wondering what went rong he was only 45 and fit as we thought now I feel angry and need to no why and what happened he was so happy laughing with our son and daughter who did the 25 party then gone they say times a healer I don't think I can heal its like a part off me has gone with him it's been 18 month now

Apr 18, 2013
People who can't go on, join me...
by: Anonymous

Everyone who has lost a husband/wife and who have written they can't and don't want to go on--you are like me, we all feel that way. I'm afraid that soon I will do something about it. I know it's a sin, and I will not be reunited with my husband because I'm sure he's in Heaven and I will not get there. But what do I do? I can't go on alone without him after 46 years together.
He died of pancreatic/liver cancer after 10 months of stupid, useless chemo, etc. My handsome, beautiful hearted vibrant husband was buried so unlike the way he once looked: cancer took away his body, but not his spirit that is with God. sO, i have to go on, but I am so miserable, I just exist from day to day. Spring, his favorite time of year is here, but I don't care. He's gone, life for me is gone. I pray to God for help to get through somehow.

My pain is so deep it could go from US to the end of the Earth and beyond. I hate life; nothing to live for, no children, alone, miserable, and very scared about everything--the house, responsibilities--which I am capable of taking on--he taught me well, but we did it together.
No more holidays--and if I do celebrate with anyone, it's all fake for me. We loved Christmas--but our last one was his last one December 2011 when he put up our last tree in our house.

Days drag by, I feel dizzy, take meds, but hate them--make me feel funny. Doctors don't care. His own oncologists didn't even send a condolence card. People are cruel, selfish. You find that out even more after you lose your love of your life.

I need prayers because I don't want to go on.
I have to get so many things in order, but then I say who cares--I'll be gone, and neither one of us can use anything or any money once dead. Never thought I'd be living alone without him, never.

Please pray for me, as I pray for all of you.

Apr 15, 2013
by: Anonymous

I finally set up an appointment w a grief counselor , it starts tomorrow , people say it gets better with time, well last week was the toughest week I have had, I cried every single day, its been a little better the last 3 days but not much. I dont know what to say to you guys/ladies here that have lost a spouse, i dont have any words or methods to help,,im still looking,,I have been told my case is "complicated grief",,some of you may have same thing,, its different from normal grief apparently ...
I have found myself trying to replace my wife and getting into relationships and I will tell you that is not the answer,,its not fair to them or me,,, I am seeing someone and about to break it off because all I do is compare her to my wife,,no one can fill her shoes and that part is setting in now,,,and what scares me is I felt my wife was my soulmate,,,,and I am going to be so freaking picky and compare anyone I see to my wife,, I really shouldnt have started seeing anyone,, I rushed it i think but on same hand I cant handle being alone very well,,, so maybe my experience will help someone some how,,i dont really know... I do know I am a wreck and something has to give soon,,,,, went to doc today about chest pains,, said my heart was fine and that I was suffering from a broken heart,,,,I believe him....

Apr 14, 2013
life goes on
by: Darcey

My husband at the age of 34 had a massive stroke the 7th of February 2013. I couldnt believe it, he was at work I had just talked to him a couple of hours before and everything was fine. I was told he was laughing and joking around then he had a coughing fit and that was it. He lost all control couldnt speak or anything. He never knew what hit him thank god. I kept him alive for a couple days on life support knowing he was already brain dead because I needed a little time to wrap my head around what had truly happened. I took him off life support on February 10th, 2013 he died at 737 pm. My life has changed so much I miss him.

Apr 10, 2013
by: Anonymous

It would have been our 26th Anniversary tomorrow. I think I can honestly say this day will be the most difficult so far. I went through Christmas, New Year, and Easter so far with this broken heart. Although they were difficult this is the worst!! We always went away for our Anniversary no matter what was going on in our lives. It was our time to renew our love or should I say respect our love. I looked forward every year to our special time together, didn't matter where we was my favorite time of year:) I miss him so much and will forever hold him in my heart!! I love you sweetheart...until we meet again:)

Mar 23, 2013
by: Anonymous

I have'nt been on here for a long time but I found out today that another person i knew even though thst were brief, had passed away. When you are young or you have not lost anyone, you just never realise how life chnages after you loose someone close. I read on here other peoples stories of loosing their husband/wife and i the things people say and those emotions they feel are all the ones i feel even now. I have a little boy who is nearly 2 and he is so much like his daddy. He brings me a lot of comfort having that part of his dad with me, but of course i miss his daddy so much, and i wish he had got to meet our little boy. It saddens me when i see other dads with their children and othe couples together playing with their children and taking them out together. Its v hard being a single parent in many ways, an he would havebeen such a wonderful daddy to our little boy. Its two years in April that he died, i miss him so much. christmas is a difficult time, often people think its two years you must be over it, and they cant cope with you when your crying, they dont understand cos they have theur husband doing everything for them. And it dont help with people say you will meet someone else, or you are allowed to meet someone else, when al you want is to wait until the day comes when he comes to you and you back together again someday. I dont want to meet another man, i loved and love him always. Often my lil one looks up and says dadda, he looks all around up at the ceiling and i have happy thoughts that he has some connction with his dad. That makes me happy. People may think its crazy and many people dont believe in life after death, but its my way of holding on and having faith because it means i never have to let him go, i cant ever say goodbye, for that just feels a painful place, too too painful.

Mar 22, 2013
so sorry, the problem should now be solved
by: Janelle (administrator)

Because of many abuses by spamming comments, I will now have to personally approve and post every comment before it goes live on the site. As a single mom with a full-time job, this means that real comments may not get posted for hours or even days if I am away.

What started out as a simple blog to express my own grief and learning during the past 8 years of dealing with the death of my husband has grown into something that now feels beyond my control.

I cannot see your email address just from posts that are made. So I do not know, which email addresses to delete. If you wish to block emails from this site, I totally understand.

However, due to program updates that happened on this comment space this evening there should be no more spam comments.

Mar 21, 2013
Loss of Wife
by: Anonymous

I posted somewhere here shortly after my wife was taken in accident,,, she left this earth may 18 1012,, I am really not any better,Im actaully worse,, There isnt a 4 hour period that goes by without me thinking of her,,, I have let my business go to crap, i really just dont care about much anymore,,, doctor gave me 3 different anti depress meds,,couldnt take them,,sorta self medicating i guess you could say,, I have lived a good life up till now,,made good money,built a business,traveled,,,my wife and I were outdoor people,,had a lake house that she remodeled to her liking,,, i cant stand to go there now... Long story short is Im broken and dont think I will make it outta of this,,,, Im not good at being alone and the women i have went thru since her death only makes it worse because i compare any woman now to my wife,,which NO WOMAN can compare,,,, everyone says time will heal,,,well it better heal me soon because Im not gonna make it if it doesnt,,, this May will be a year and it hurts worse now than it did 90 days ago... I miss my Boo Boo

Mar 21, 2013
by: Janelle (administrator)

To Anonymous Canada,

Thanks for your honest comments. I truly do understand your frustration. For me, the problem currently lies in the fact that I am one person with son and a busy job schedule.

Readers were asking for forum space, so I started these when I had more free time. I chose not to review each comment before it posted as there would be just too many for the whole site. As this thread seems to be the only one with the problem, I will try to stay on top of it on a daily basis.

I have been working at banning the spammers according to the email address and web id with which they are commenting. However, it only seems to make a marginal difference. If things do not change, I will have to resort to previewing each comment before it is posted.

Mar 20, 2013
by: Anonymous Canada

Hi: I am glad, as administrator of this site that you have commented (albeit, I do not think strongly enough). These comments from these ridiculous spellcasters have not only proved a huge disappointment for all of us who have, acting in good faith, and in sorrow, opened up to strangers but have proven to be a huge embarasement. I now feel so silly for even trying to express my feelings about my loss and I am sure others do as well. I have no further interest in Journey Through Grief as I NOW feel like an idiot thinking that this may have been a way to help me heal.

Mar 20, 2013
Yes, Please stop the spell casting comments
by: Janelle (administrator)

Thanks for the last three anonymous comments. I want to keep the comments open so that people can post freely about real experiences with grief and loss. But that means I have to deal with crazy "spell caster" spammers.

I am trying to keep up with deleting them, but I know that means that some of you get spam emails that you don't really want to read. I'm sorry about that. Hopefully the spammers will get the message that THEY ARE NOT WELCOME HERE. We are real people dealing with real loss. We do not want to read spammer comments here.

Mar 18, 2013
Please stop writing about spells
by: Anonymous Canada

This is a serious site where people are trying to heal by opening up and speaking about the tragic loss of a spouse. So, please, do stop writing about spells. I believe you are on the wrong site.

Mar 18, 2013
The "Spell" Casters
by: Anonymous

What are you guys doing????????
Knock it off with your damn "spells"!!!!!!!
IfI knew who you were, I'd come kick your teeth in!

Mar 15, 2013
To The spell that saved my marriage. by moore
by: Anonymous

With no disrespect to you and your "happy marriage"
I find it extremly rude of you to leave a message about your secret "spell" on this web site!
We are ALL grieving the loss of a husband or a wife and have no interest in your stupid "spell"
I suggest you stick with spells at your temple.
Your comment was rude and cruel.

Mar 04, 2013
Sudden death of young husband
by: Anonymous

I lost my husband suddenly on 27th jan 2013. I have two young children a 5 mth baby boy an 2.5 yr old girl daddy's little angel. I am shattered he was my sole mate we didn't even make our 4 yr wedding anniversary coming up soon in may. I am so tired looking after the kids an grieving I don't know where to start. I am angry scared an so deeply sad an depressed. The coroner doesn't even know what killed him. I didn't get to say goodbye he died while checking into our hotel an I left the kids in the car an ran in I gave him two breaths an panicked an others took over the paramedics worked on him for 1 hr with no response. I prayed for god to save him an asked him to come back to me. I saw him in a body bag. The day goes over an over in my head he was only 41 an fit an healthy full of energy. Words can't describe my pain.

Feb 28, 2013
I do miss you my dear
by: Anonymous

My husband passed away on 7 May 2011 (exactly 27 days after our marriage)by car crash.

At that time, I was not with him. I was in other country for my work. I couldn't believe it. It was happen in Friday night,4:30 hrs after our conversation.

We knew each other at our university. We fell in love for years. Then I came out from my country for my further study. So, we were in Long Distance Relationship.Finally, we could get married happily.But it was not long lasting.

We had dreams. We had lots of sweet memories. Now all are gone.

I want you to see your son. You even can't know it is boy or girl. He looks alike you, not only physical appearance but also the behaviors.

I'm sure that he will be happy if he knows we are fine in everything. I am doing good deeds and share the merit for him everyday.

Rest In Peace my dear. You are being with me forever. I do miss you.

Feb 25, 2013
Feeling guilty for everything...
by: Anonymous

Ive been living my worst nightmare for the last 25 days...Flying home after 3 nights over east for work & stepping off the plane to find out my world had ended. i found out that my beautiful loving husband was killed in a car accident just before midnight on the 1st of feb 2013...only 2hrs after I said goodnight! Instead of going home from the airport I was taken to the state Mortuary. The last 25 days have been hell!! I feel angry for going to work...i should of never gone! i feel so mad at the sydney airport for closing for 3hrs it was only a hail storm...if my flight had left on time or if my connecting flight would of waited for us...i would of been home on time & he would be lying next to me now!! I feel guilty when I eat...because he can't eat anymore. I can't sleep as I keep seeing his face after the accident. Every time I see a baby or small child I start uncontrollably crying as we both wanted kids so badly but I have a Heath problem so we were waiting so not to risk our babies I just wish I'd tried or got treatment to make it work...he wanted babies more than anything in the world and I feel so guilty for not giving him his dream and I wish I had part of him to hold. Instead I'm alone and can't cope with life without him. I can't bare to see happy couples or families so I just stay at home & I hate laughing or having fun...I try to put on a brave face for my family & friensa so they don't worry but every time I smile or laugh or enjoy anything I get really angry at myself!! I dont know if i can go through life without husband is my best friend my soul mate and until I'm in his arms again ill be incomplete. It's not fair...I keep praying this is a joke and he is going to walk through the door & give me a huge hug & kiss!! I don't understand why all 3 of them had to die...all of them were such great blokes...what did they do to deserve this??? I'd give anything to go back & not fly to work...even if it meant only 3 more nights with him...

Feb 18, 2013
lossing someone's great love
by: Anonymous

the pained i am experiencing kills me husband died too young from sudden cardiac arrest, i do love my husband so much like i work so hard for him wouldnt find hard times on our family needs,i never demand i worl sp hard for to experience good things in life... a week before he died his father meet an accident and he need to go home a.13 hours travel away...i knew my husband loves but he never care so much about me and before he died he said im not a good wife...and he died wothout me beside each day.hos thought killef me with regrets,.guilt and of course missing him so much... since we had already talked me stop in going to work to have a.lot e for him.

Feb 17, 2013
Anonymous Canada
by: Anonymous

I think it would be so nice if we all knew who we were responding to. In other words, I have been writing on this site as "Anonymous Canada" . So, here I go again, I don't know how you cope but please, please, do not go down the road of Ativan (an anti anxiety drug that I got completely hooked on) or wine. I am fighting the idea of wine every day because it just seems to help me block everything out. Ativan is horrible as it isactually acts as a depressant and well, I guess we all know what the wine can do to make us upset.

How is everyone doing without anything???

Feb 17, 2013
my beloved husband
by: Anonymous

My heart goes out to all of you. I lost my husband 20 November 2012. Am dreading this first year it so hardxx he was so loving, can
Kind and we loved each other deeply. We were only together nine years and married for three but I wouldnt change that for anything. Some days are OK I hate weekends and really struggle. I can't seem to go work properly . I don't know what I want. But yes I do I want our life back. It will be a long road one for which I am not prepared. Thus select group we have not chosen to be in uh s heartbreaking painful and hurts. I cry when wake up and cry when go bed I just existxxxxx

Feb 17, 2013
I would give anything to hold him again
by: Anonymous

Thank you for your comments.I know exactly how you feel about going out of the front door. I go days without going out because it is so painful to see couples together enjoying each others company, I feel so jealous of what they have and long to have that back again.I go to the supermarket and stare at couples and just ache to have Michael by my side again, it is such a horrible empty feeling.I dont know how I got through Christmas, i wouldnt go to my family I just sat and cried and cried.Then we just had valentines day, then next there are the advertisements for holidays all showing couples hand in hand on a beach!I would give anything to have him back I would tell him every single day how much I loved him, i think of all the silly arguments that I wish I could take back.I feel so left behind and so sad that he couldnt talk to me, why didnt I see this coming....I do not believe that time will heal, how do you cope with having the person you shared sop much with taken away so suddenly? how do you cope with the missing them so much? i just dont know......

Feb 17, 2013
Pain and Guilt
by: Anonymous Canada

To Mandy:

I too relive the day that the police came to tell me about my husband. And, while my husband did not take his own life, I feel so much guilt about the things I should have done differently during our short marriage. Each time I experience this feeling, I just try my best to push it away because I do know he loved me very much. Somehow though you must believe that there is nothing you could have done about your husband's death and it is simply not your fault!

To Everyone: I still find it incredibly tough even to go out my front door; I cannot go to restaurants or other places that we went to together. I hate watching other couples smile and laugh with one another. People tell me that I must go out and start doing things again. And, while I do try, all I think about is that he is not here to share the occasion with me. Each day I have been attempting to do at least one thing but half way through each "task", I fall apart. Everyone says that one day I will start to think that I was lucky to have the time with him that I did and simply feel happy about that. It is over 10 months but I have yet to begin to feel any peace. It helps to write on this site as I truly understand what others are saying. I wish I could make my pain and everyone else's pain disappear.

Feb 16, 2013
I would give anything to hold him again
by: mandy

I have just read Jills story about the tragic lose of her husband and I can identify with every single word you have written Jill.I lost the love of my life on Oct31st2012, Michael took his own life and the day he died I died with him.Everyday is harder, everyday the enormous pain gets stronger.I never believed people when they said that their heart was broken but now I do.I get so angry with people who tell me that time will heal and things will get better.Nothing can ever be better without Michael in my life, he was everything to me, we had so many dreams and no I am left with only pain.There are so many more emotions attached to a suicide all the unanswered questions and "whys" and "if onlys" it is constant torture and I hate my life without him.We did not have children and god knows I wish I had as that would be a reason to have to carry on, because I don't want to carry on.I have a loving family who adore me but they are not enough all I want is my Michael back in my arms.I should of been the one to save him and I feel so helpless.He was such a strong man and I never had any idea this would happen.I will never forget to the day I die coming home to the letter and a police car waiting for me, my world truly ended.I am sorry I cannot be more positive with my comments today it's just so so hard.I ache to see him,feel him,talk to him,laugh with him....and all I have left now is a empty heart full of pain.

Feb 16, 2013
I would give anything to hold him again
by: mandy

I have just read Jills story about the tragic lose of her husband and I can identify with every single word you have written Jill.I lost the love of my life on Oct31st2012, Michael took his own life and the day he died I died with him.Everyday is harder, everyday the enormous pain gets stronger.I never believed people when they said that their heart was broken but now I do.I get so angry with people who tell me that time will heal and things will get better.Nothing can ever be better without Michael in my life, he was everything to me, we had so many dreams and no I am left with only pain.There are so many more emotions attached to a suicide all the unanswered questions and "whys" and "if onlys" it is constant torture and I hate my life without him.We did not have children and god knows I wish I had as that would be a reason to have to carry on, because I don't want to carry on.I have a loving family who adore me but they are not enough all I want is my Michael back in my arms.I should of been the one to save him and I feel so helpless.He was such a strong man and I never had any idea this would happen.I will never forget to the day I die coming home to the letter and a police car waiting for me, my world truly ended.I am sorry I cannot be more positive with my comments today it's just so so hard.I ache to see him,feel him,talk to him,laugh with him....and all I have left now is a empty heart full of pain.

Feb 15, 2013
For the lady who lost her husband 2 years ago on 13/11/2010
by: Anonymous

Only to make you smile, as reading your's did for me.
I think we had twin husbands!
For I too miss my man's laughter, singing and playing his guitar.
Before we were ever married, he whould call me on the phone, make sure I answered, lay the phone down, and play his guitar and sing to me.
Thank you for reminding me of that.

Feb 15, 2013
empty lady
by: Anonymous

Is been seven Months since I lost my husband after being married for 27 years. Not a day goes by that I don't cry and some days if I hear a song that reminds me of him I cry all day. Restaurants that we used to go dine together i can't no more. What used to be is not no more i feel i was happy and i didn't know how happy i was. I feel guilty for not appreciating my husband like i should have appreciated him he was the only man that really love me and i would never have that again.

Feb 10, 2013
Death of your husband by taking his own life
by: Anonymous Canada

Oh, my heart goes out to you. I know that I cannot possibly understand how you must feel. How terrible this is for you and I wish I could say something to make you feel better. Yes, I do understand the woman who wrote about your daughter being "your saving grace" but I know that you are not thinking about that right now. You are only trying to cope with the shock of it all. Do you feel like reaching out to a group that talks about this type of death??? I think that there are several groups out there and I would urge you to do this. You cannot deal with this on your own.

Feb 10, 2013
I'd give anything to hug you!
by: Anonymous

That child should be your saving grace.I have no one in my life that can smile back at me,since the death of my husband.

Feb 10, 2013
Not coping
by: Jill

I too am struggling to cope with the death of my husband. I feel angry with many people and guilty when I express this. I feel terrible jealousy and bitterness towards those who have relationships. I am trying to keep going for my baby daughter but in my darker moments I wish I didn't have a child so I could end the pain. The guilt of feeling these thoughts is overwhelming. My husband took his own life 4 months ago today. We were still very much in love and it was factors beyond our control that made him do it. Our marriage wasn't perfect but he made me happier than I had ever been. The grief is still so painful and life is not getting easier but I suppose I have survived this far...I guess that's got to count for something.

Feb 10, 2013
Answer to Question and another question
by: Anonymous Canada

In answer to the person who ask if it ever does get better, it has been nearly 10 months since my husgand suddenly died and I don't feel a though it is any better for me. I am told that I will heal and I know that my husband would just not want me to remain so terribly unhappy. It is so tough to even want to do anything! Not sure about anyone else, but I am in a terrible "anger" stage, where I tend just to lash out at people and then feel so guilty. My question is, does anyone else feel anger??

Feb 10, 2013
by: Anonymous

Does it ever get better? My heart dies a little everyday knowing I will never be able to hug him or tell him I love him...even though I still do:(

Feb 10, 2013
by: Anonymous

Does it ever get better? My heart dies a little everyday knowing I will never be able to hug him or tell him I love him...even though I still do:(

Jan 31, 2013
by: Anonymous

I have recently lost my husband to cancer we were together for 43 years and now i am on my own it,s devestating can,t sleep hardly eat i miss him so much.He went through just over a year of chemo without a moan or groan he took every thing they gave him smiling chatting to everyone and he was such a quite man he amazed me and family the doctor,s thought he was amazing and they had so much respect for him i have never felt so unhappy in all my life and do not know what to do with myself i just feel each day is a chore get up do whatever go to bed don,t sleep get up and start what ever all over again i have nothing or noone to talk to about how i,m feeling i hide how i really feel from my children as they are hurting too for the first time in my life i cannot help my children bless them he was my soulmate and i know if he could see me as i am he would be angry with me as he told me to get on with my life or get a life is what he said oh my lord how the hell do i do this i feel for each and every one of you who has wrote on here bless you all and hope you all and myself have just one good day and then another till we can handle our loss.

Jan 27, 2013
I understand
by: Dawn

All of the comments on here I relate to they are my feelings that you are all saying so its what we all feel no one understands how wrong I am you all do sorry to you all for what has happend in your lifes.
When you feel bad think of all of us here my husband was killed on the 20th of November 2012
I cannot say it will get better it has not but you will learn to cope with things for me thats all I can do survive so must you all I will pray for you all as someone has said on here will we pray for her yes I will please do this for me also as I want to feel that he is in a good place as he should be yes I wish it was me or I could join him but that is not what has happened I hope he is watching me and knows that I love him deeply and always will all my life untill I join him Dawn xxx

Jan 27, 2013
My husband was killed in a car crash what am I supposed to do now
by: Dawn

My husband of 31 years was killed in a car crash and we had been together since we were 13 years old we had dreams a life together a house a bed when I reach out across to his chair he is not there to hold my hand I want to talk to him to join him I feel it would have been easier for me if it had been me not him he was a good person better than me I have never washed to car he changed the light bulbs he went shopping he did most of the washing he held the t-v hand control what about now I want him back I dont understand whey someone can just kill him in a head on crash yet he is still driving around untill the case

Jan 26, 2013
Missing him so much
by: Anonymous

I lost my husband on November 27, 2012 to a massive heart attack. He was away with his best friend hunting. I keep playing that phone call over and over again in my mind and like many of you hoping to wake up from this nightmare. I am trying so hard to keep it together for my kids and my gra ndson who lives with me,but I am not doing well. My heart aches for him morning, noon, and night. Especially at night.We were together for 27 years and married 25 years. I wake up everyday and go through the motions and pray to just get me through one more day. He was my best friend, my soulmate, my loving husband...I want to be with him again.

Jan 20, 2013
Ocean Waves In My Mind
by: Mary Darlene

My husband died Sept.19,2013.He died suddenly.
I have wrapped myself in work.I spoke to a customer who said this to me(she lost her mother)Some days your grief is like the Ocean-if you are standing at the tide-the waves can come in and barely touch your toes,other times it can roll in and hit you in the knees and then the next day it can knock the breath right out of you.As somehow that calms me and I'll remind myself there is a storm brewing from time to time.
I had lung cancer removal August,my husband died in September and in October I had caroided artery surgery.I have had Drs. look at me and shake their head saying you have been thru a terrible ordeal in such a short time.Some peoples stories are so much worse than mine.
My husband worked in another city and that's where he died.As with any wife she would want to be there and hold them when they go.I don't know how to explain this, but he came to me and I talked to him and asked if God would let him visit again,he laid down and held me-it was so natural-I believe he was letting me know he was still with me!Tears.

Jan 16, 2013
sudden death of my husband
by: Anonymous Canada

I wrote on December 19th from Toronto Canada about the very sudden death of my husband. My heart goes out to the women who also recently wrote about the shock of the sudden eath of their husbands. It has been 9 months for me and the pain does not seem to get any easier. My husand was fit and well and only 56 - he had a heart attack while golfing and died instantly. I still expect him to come in the door. I am unable to look at any of his clothes or our pictures and just try to put one foot ahead of the other each day. It has helped a little to speak to a doctor specializing in grief so if any of you can contact someone in this field, I would recommend this. Everyone is different but I find the anguish comes in huge waves and some days I simply feel I cannot get through the hours. I am told that for the first year, I will probably not be thinking clearly at all so I hope none of you are expecting too much of yourselves. I think you are very brave to put your thoughts on this site so soon - I could not have done that. Perhaps we can all give one another some strength...

Jan 16, 2013
young and healthy
by: Anonymous

My husband died at 31, young and healthy. He loved mountains and died of a sudden high altitude sickness. I had always asked him not to go to the mountains but he didn't listen. He was my life. I still don't understand how this could happen and how being so smart he didn't realize what was going to happen to him. It's been months but I still have so much anger inside, I'd blow up all the mountains if I could.
There's a hole of size infinity inside me.

The things I grieve most about are his dreams, his plans, his individual consciousness. It would be enough for me to know that he was alive and well somewhere, even if I never see him again. It would really be enough to know that he's alive and well somewhere to make me happy.

Jan 14, 2013
My life went with him
by: Anonymous

I too lost my husband just 9 weeks ago suddenly of a heart attack. It was just 1 day before our 34th Anniversary. He was only 56. It still doesn't seem real. The pain is as bad today as the day it happened, actually worse as I now realize the reality of him not being here. Friends and family are there to help but no one can help unless they can bring him back. They cannot understand what it means. The only man I have ever loved, the father of my children, my best friend and supporter is gone. My entire adult life as I've known it is gone. My life has died with him. The pain I have in my soul is sometimes unexplainable. I am now forced to get a life without him and don't want too. Nothing has any purpose anymore. I wish I had some faith that I could hold on too but I don't. It's all too final for me. I am trying to hold on and find a purpose to go on but it's very difficult. Some days are better than others if I keep occupied but when they're bad, they're so bad. For the sake of my children I hope I can find the will.

Dec 19, 2012
sudden death of my husband
by: Anonymous

I am writing from Toronto. My husband died very suddenly in April. He was only 56 and in perfect health. He had a sudden heart attack while golfing. We met later in life and only married in 2010. I feel so blessed to have met him but I am not coping at all and it seems to get only worse as time goes on. In fact, I feel as though it is all I can do to get out of bed. Actually, sometimes I don't. I have seen my family doctor and one counsellor but it just didn't help. Does anyone know of a grief counsellor, group or professional that they can recommend in Toronto, Ontario. Many thanks.

Dec 18, 2012
Loss Husband 091712
by: Anonymous

This is a real nice blog.Very interesting.I Can relate

to my stories,that I can feel the pain like others that I am going through. Empty hearts.

Dec 18, 2012
Loss Husband 091712
by: Anonymous

This is a real nice blog.Very interesting.I Can relate

to my stories,that I can feel the pain like others that I am going through. Empty hearts.

Dec 04, 2012
by: Anonymous

I to lost my husband to cancer two years of hell he fight for after be told he had 6weeks he had a stoke he could talk to say goodbye. I miss him so much my life is no longer worth go on the pain is so bad we were together for 38 years just when we were to spend time for us he had finshed work this was are time he was 56 when die my life stop when died how can i go on


Dec 04, 2012
by: Anonymous

I to lost my husband to cancer two years of hell he fight for after be told he had 6weeks he had a stoke he could talk to say goodbye. I miss him so much my life is no longer worth go on the pain is so bad we were together for 38 years just when we were to spend time for us he had finshed work this was are time he was 56 when die my life stop when died how can i go on


Nov 20, 2012
lost husband
by: anu

i lost my husband before 8 months ago. i can.t forget him.

Nov 16, 2012
I lost my husband 2years ago on 13/11/2010
by: Anonymous


Nov 13, 2012
I need my husband.
by: Anonymous

My husband drowned in July. I was in the water too, but I did not understand what was happening. I still don't understand. All I know is that he has to come back. There is no way I can survive without him. We were together thirty-five years. We were supposed to take care of each other and grow old together. We were supposed to retire soon and travel, live where we wanted to live, enjoy our beautiful life together. All gone in a few minutes. Why? My heart is broken, crushed. I want to go back to that day so badly---- just one of a thousand little things could have been changed and it never would have happened. I have two grown children, but it has crossed my mind to kill myself. If there's life after death, I will find him. If not, at least this agony will be done. I won't do it because of my kids, but I long to. Please pray for me.

Oct 17, 2012
Sudden death of my beloved husband.
by: South Africa

I am only 33, my good husband died a tragic death just a month ago at age 34. A drunken driver who is also a drug king caused my husband’s death. He sustained minor injuries and his blood was never drawn, but a dead man’s blood was taken. My husband died on the scene of head injuries. I know he never suffered. I am left to care and love for our beautiful boys. The pain is too much to endure. He was a loving father and a caring husband. He was a good man that loved his family dearly. A sudden death is not an easy one to accept. I am not sure if it will ever get away, I miss him so much, he was my universe, and we were so in-love. Life can be very cruel. I know his spirit will forever be with us but we need him hear physically. Our family chain is broke, in life we loved him dearly and in death we do the same. As he died a part of me went with him as he was indeed my soul mate. He will forever live in our hearts. May his beautiful soul rest in peace.

Oct 13, 2012
No more Best Friend, my rock mu life
by: Linda

2/20/10. The good Lord called my husband home. Early morning I heard him take a loud deep breath sound. That fast he was it Heavens gate. 2 yrs & 7 months something hit me I felt lost cold confused very scarred. Who was I what should I do? Several hard anxiety attacks. But never a feeling like this. Oh how I wanted to say Good Bye To Life. How do I go on we been together since 16 yrs old married for 39! Does any one understand? Anxiety pills aren't the answer nor sleeping pills. How do I regain my life back. Pain is unbearable. One day at a time. I will never forget my Husband or understand, WHY?? A broken hearted widow!

Sep 14, 2012
loss of husband
by: Afshan

My husband was a great man he was only 39 years old.i loved him alot.we had bad car accident,& he was died on the spot,i went into comma.i cant forget him in my life bec he was my best friend.he was my everything.he did alot for myself.May God bless him in grave Aameen.i love u (Altaf)

Sep 08, 2012
Traumatic loss
by: Aileen

I lost my husband a month ago while vacationing in southern California with our 4 year old daughter. I just woke up with his weird snore I tried to wake him up but he was unresponsive tried to call for help and di CPR as quick as possible till the paramedics came unfortunately we lost him. It was very traumatic experience for me and our daughter. We've been married over five years we are both young... I lost him at the age of 41.... The pain is too much to bear and I don't know when to accept that he is gone and not coming home anymore.

Jun 16, 2012
My husband
by: Anonymous

My loved passed away may 1 2012 from lung cancer at 40 years old.
The hospital told us that he was going to pass we i didn't know it was going to be this soon.
I miss him so much.

Jun 07, 2012
My wife was killed in motorcycle accident May 19
by: Anonymous

I am one broken man…. its getting worse not better,,, its a long freaking story,,but long story short i am broken,, I miss my baby boo :-(

Aug 30, 2011
sudden loss of a husband
by: Janelle (administrator)

My heart responds so deeply to these posts and comments. I know what it was like for me and it was exhausting and shattering as have been mentioned in recent comments.

If you can find the energy, I encourage you to spend some time reading some articles in the truama healing section of the site. This was information that I found helpful to me as I went through the sudden loss of my husband 6 years ago now.

Of course nothing can take away the pain, but it can provide understanding.

Aug 29, 2011
Husband died tractor accident
by: shauna

My husband died 1 month ago suddenly, a tractor rolled on him. I was able to tell him that I loved him that morning before work, thank God. Daily I am waking up and going to bed crying. Cannot sleep without sleeping pills. Otherwise lay awake visualizing the accident and driving myself crazy with thoughts of him suffering. I sometimes want to go back to the shock stage! I am so sad, part of me has died. We were together for 25 years, and neither of us had ever known another intimately. How do I EVER at 44 years old move on with out him? Our 4 children are a blessing, and I will try hard because of them but sometimes, I just want to crawl into a hole and join my husband.

Aug 29, 2011
Lost my loving husband/best friend 25.06.2011
by: Linda

I am shattered. I am exhausted. It's been around 9 weeks and I fee like it was just yesterday. I miss my husband so very much and wish I could be with him as I know it is impossible for him to be with me. The only reason why I am still here is because of our 8 year old daughter. How am I supposed to carry on life normally without him. I don't know how and I don't want to anymore. I am so tired.....

Aug 07, 2011
The sudden loss of my husband
by: Anonymous

Hi, I read your comments and i know exactly how it feels to have lost a husband. I recently lost my partner, we were planning to get married and I only have 4 weeks left now before i have our baby. Like you I wake up from dreams, in my dreams i always seem to dream that I am trying to call him on his mobile phone but never able to reach him. I talk to him whenever i am on my own usually at night and tell her how much i love him. Its my way of still having a relationship with him as i can't accept a goodbye thats far too sad.

He was only a young man and it was sudden and unexpected. i came home and found him and that image of him was so tragic i can't belive how i lifted him in my arms as he was a very tall person 6 ft 6ft but i found the strength because i loved him so much. I know it don't take away any of your sadness but you had many long happy years together, i so wish i had had that amount of years with my partner and sometimes i wish i was old just so i could be with him again and not have to wait for so many years to be together.

I know about the ifs and buts, i do it now, if only i had been there i could have saved my loving man, i had done so many times before. He had epilepsy and he never liked to talk about it or let it prevent him from doing things that everyone did. He was the most caring man i had ever known and without nhim i feel so lonely and it hurts that i have to face motherhood on my own and not have him to share that happiness with me of having our baby. He was so overwhelmed and happy to know he was going to be a dad. The last image of have of seeing his face before he died was him bringing me up a glass of milk in the middle of the night, and him not being able to sleep.

My parter was my best friend, and i know how much pain and sadness it leaves in your life. I am so sorry and i couldnt help share my emotions with you.

Aug 06, 2011
How to Cope?
by: Anonymous

I lost my husband 4 weeks ago today. He died suddenly of stroke caused by a massive brain tumor. We had no idea that he had a brain tumor and later found out that he also had lung cancer. No symptoms, no warnings, no knowledge. Now I find myself in disbelief and trying to figure out how to wake up each day. We were together for 27 years - since I was 15 years old. I am now a 42 year old widow with 4 kids and no purpose. No last goodbye, no last hug. No one really understands what it's like so I put on the brave face and act strong. If they only knew...

Jul 17, 2011
empty days and nights
by: Anonymous

I read all of these comments about loosing a husband/partner and I feel that yes, a partner is a best friend. Whats so so hard is that you share your whole life with them, you go to bed and have someone to cuddle and someone to wake up with, someone to share your whole life with. you do so much together, and intimacy, love, romance, care, they are with you 24/7.

When I lost my partner, we were about to get amrried and have our baby. He was my future, the only person i could cuddle throughout the night.

You can have the closest family, and friends. I have had friends promise me theyre be there 24/7 but they say all of that, then you hardly hear from them. snd your family love you and csre, but they arent with you every waking hour like your partner use to be. its a different kind of love altogether. You can't explain it. and even most your family go home to their partners and have someone to spend their evening with. I don;t watch tv, my family say you should watch this pragramme, but i can't watch tv any more because when i did, i would be cuddled up on the sofa with him stroking my hair. And at night when i lay sleeping i touch his pillow longing to hold him and lye in his arms like we use to.

Jul 06, 2011
Loosing My Best Friend & Husband
by: Anonymous

I feel your grief. I lost my husband in a tractor accident on July 20, 2004. I miss him everyday and can't get over the nightmares of finding him under the tractor dead and nothing I could do to help him.
People say it gets easier as time passes, but I have not found that out yet. I do see someone to help me through the grief, but the would'a-coulda-shoulda's are with me everyday. I will never be the same.

Jan 30, 2011
so sorry
by: Anonymous

I am so sorry.
I too lost my husband four months ago in a horrific car accident, caused by another human's stupidity.
He was on his way home from work, only five minutes away. I can still hear the sirens.(not knowing they were for him)The guys were going to stop and have a beer after work and my husband said,"no,I'm going home to my wife".
He is my best friend. Who do you go to now? I don't want another best friend, I want the one I had.I can't imagine that another human being could even possibly come close to knowing how it feels.Family & friends mean so well, but how can they know? Impossible.
I wake up crying. I go to bed crying. I find it very difficult to be among the public. I don't want to be around anybody. My face is swollen my eyes are sore and so very chapped from wiping away the tears that don't ever seem to stop.
They say that crying cleanse's the soul.
Please know that in my heart, I am so sorry for to know that there is some one out there who's shattered heart feels like mine. It's unbearable.
I am so sorry. Sorry for your broken heart.
I wish I could hug you.

Jan 16, 2011
When death knocks on your door
by: J.R.W.

Shock/You hear what’s going on but you only go through motions or led by someone else
Denial/Disbelief – You want to stay asleep, you pray when you wake it was all a dream
Bewilderment/Unable to focus, lost
Disorientation/don’t know what to do, wandering aimlessly
Anguish/from the deepest abyss, it is dark but it is day
Panic/Every fiber of your being is racing, run, but where, hide from reality
Exhaustion/Almost coma like sleep, it is so, so deep, a safety net, the mind cannot cope
Fear/Your world has shifted to an unknown, life feels gone, your protector is gone, you’re vulnerable to everything
Depression/You somehow fell out of your picture frame into someone else’s movie and do not want to watch it. Unable to feel the pain will ease. Unable to feel…

I look back at these's almost a year since my husbands death. It somehow feels like yesterday. A weekly grief group has been a blessing. It's not a class, come and go as you want. Maybe you can find local hospitals or pastor. It is a long walk through grief that should not be taken alone. My heart goes out to you.


Jan 12, 2011
loss of husband
by: Janelle

The loss of a husband has been my journey as well. I know that it is not easy.

I just wanted to point out the interview with Michelle Neff Hernandez, the founder of Soaring Spirits Loss Foundation.

Those who have lost spouses may find some of their resources helpful.

Jan 11, 2011
loss of my hsband
by: Anonymous

I lost my husband of 41 years 30 07 2010 diagnosed with a rare illness and died 12 months later I too feel totally lost I dont have a purpose any more I dont know how to live my life without him I have never really had a single life always been part of a couple and I find I am wondering where do I go from here only those who have lost apartner will understand what I am saying

Nov 09, 2010

My husband of 34 years died of cancer..he was gone in a few weeks after we knew what was wrong.
I'm not doing well..looking for a way to get through this and something more i can't put words to.
What is between a husband wife is not something you can share with your children, friends or relatives..there is nothing to compare it to and when that is's a loss that's so heart breaking you can put it into words.
My husband has been gone for 17 months. I miss him. Life isn't much without him..

Oct 21, 2010
living after loss
by: Janelle


I'm so sorry to hear that you are experiencing this terrible loss. The sudden loss of a husband because of someone else's carelessness is tough. Everyone's grief experience is different, but our stories are similar in the type of loss except that my husband and I were married much less time.

May you find glimpses of hope in these difficult days. My heart is with you as I read your story.

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