A day I will never forget.
It was a very sunny, warm spring day. I needed to get several things done for a state inspection. John had come home from work early to help me. What happened next will forever change my life...we were moving old cast off furniture off the screened in patio. It wasn't going to fit through the doorway so... he picked up a small sledge hammer and beat the legs off it and that was the last time I spoke to him, touched him or looked in his eyes.
I called 911. Started doing cpr. Finally after what seemed an eternity paramedics arrived. They took over. Shocked him 3 times with AED. When they could transport we followed them to hospital. Not knowing for sure what was going on in the back of my mind I think I knew he was gone. He had a massive heart attack.
Arriving at the ER the Drs. Took us aside and said they had worked on him for... well needless to say they called time of death. I kissed him goodbye and told him it was ok. Go to heaven and hug my little brother. (Even though it was not alright there was nothing I could do to bring him back). Seemed like we sat there and cried and screamed and asked why? Forever. Then I had to make a phone call to my very special in-laws. Wow! That was tough.
I do blame myself. I wish I didn't have that inspection. I knew he wasn't feeling real good. Why didn't I stop him? To this day I still can't look at that hammer.
I feel empty, lonely, sad, scared. It's been almost a year now and I'm not feeling to much better. I don't show it on the outside but inside I'm a mess. I miss my best friend, confidante, lover. Over 40 years together, 3 children, 5 grandsons. He would now be 57 years young.