Where is God in my life?
Please pray for any or every thing involved:
I thought I'd start out by saying this is the first time I've ever written something like this, or asked others for prayer. I'm 21 years old, and feeling more hopeless than usual in life..
I had somewhat of a rough past -family and i's constant financial struggle, often questioning my faith, drug use & bad choices, etc..
Currently, I'm about to start my junior year at my private art college. I film, photograph, paint, draw, play guitar, and write music. I can honestly say that I am extremely talented and I know God must've given me these passions and talents to use them in life to help others..
But things have never been worse. My family has always been in horrid debt, and my $40,000 per year loans are not helping.. Since i started college, my parents split up, my dad moved away and is now bankrupt. The house i grew up in is now being foreclosed & i don't know where the rest of my family will live. I live alone in my school's dorms, completely on loans, completely unemployed and feeling like a piece of scum.
I'm trying so hard to make things work in life, I try to fix things on my own, yet it never works out. When I ask God for help, things usually seem to get worse. I don't even know anymore how much I believe in God... It seems like i only 'believe' when i beg and pray something terrible doesn't happen... & that's not just.
I'm the only hope my family has not to lose everything and bring some financial security that we have never known. I feel so pressured to succeed and i cant handle watching them suffer. Finally being discovered for my art and music is what I'm longing to have happen - Being able to keep my house and family, be financially stable, live life feeling safe...
I just discovered something awful. Due to idiotic mistakes in my past, I found out that I'm at risk of having HIV. Nothing has ever made me feel as awful as i do knowing HIV is a possibility. I don't have any income, and have to wait to get tested at a free clinic. The stress of not knowing is killing me. What's even worse is the thought of me having HIV and spread it to others. all i can think about is that I will show up positive, get sick and die, leaving my family with all of their debt + my $160,000 in student loans, and i will be rotting in hell for causing such horrible things to happen to the ones i love.
I've been praying and praying that things will work out, that I won't test positive, and i can continue struggling through life and make things better in the end. I hate always being alone and feeling so scared. There's nobody I can talk to about any of this, so that's why i've turned to prayer, and hoping maybe somebody here or up there will hear and answer me.
I've never hated myself as much as i do right now. I feel physically ill at all thoughts of future scenarios. I'm a crying wreck. I feel like I am without a doubt doomed. I pray that I am fine, that I am just over paranoid, but I have never felt so convinced about such an awful thing. I am too full of life to have it taken from me. I have too much to give, so much to be made, I can't imagine not being able to do it..
please pray for me, my family, and every one's wellbeing. I'm realizing more and more that i can't make it on my own.
Oh, Sierra, what a heavy weight you are carrying. You will be in my thoughts and prayers.
One side note, so that you have one less thing to worry about. I remember being told in a student loan seminar, that if a student would happen to die with unpaid loans, the loans are forgiven. The family does not have to pay them.
I don't know if this will be helpful to you with your spiritual questions, but I thought I'd share from something I have recently written. I was reflecting on Matthew 5 where Jesus says,
"Blessed are the poor in spirit,
for theirs is the Kingdom of Heaven.
4 Blessed are those who mourn,
for they shall be comforted.
5 Blessed are the meek,
for they shall inherit the earth.
6 Blessed are those who hunger and thirst after righteousness, for they shall be filled.."
In life today we are usually told we are "blessed" or successful when we are productive, earning a lot of money, exerting power and influence. But in this passage, Jesus introduces us to a kingdom that has been referred to as an upside down kingdom--a kingdom that works on different principles than the principles of life most common today.
The fact is that I hear from person after person who is grieving the loss of a loved one where people tell them its time to move on, "get over it."
And yes, there is a time to move forward, but it seems that one of the things Jesus is saying here is, "there is space for you--as you are--in my kingdom. There is space for you who mourn, you who are poor in spirit, you who are meek. There is space for you in this upside down kingdom when you are not on top of the world, when you can't and don't live up to the expectations of those around you.
Here is a space, a kingdom, where you can be what you are. You who mourn, you who are poor in spirit, you who are meek...you are welcome here as you are. Even though the rest of the world doesn't seem to want a weeping, powerless person at its party. You are wanted here.
So Sierra, even if you feel you are doomed that is not God's perspective of you. You are loved. And there is room for you with the mistakes of the past, with the anxieties about your family, with the worries about HIV.
You might find it helpful to take some quiet time each day to imagine yourself sitting with God and handing over each of your worries one at a time. Ask God to carry each anxiety for the day so that you can be free to do the things you need to do in your classes, etc.