Where is God in my life?

by Sierra
(washington)

Please pray for any or every thing involved:

I thought I'd start out by saying this is the first time I've ever written something like this, or asked others for prayer. I'm 21 years old, and feeling more hopeless than usual in life..

I had somewhat of a rough past -family and i's constant financial struggle, often questioning my faith, drug use & bad choices, etc..

Currently, I'm about to start my junior year at my private art college. I film, photograph, paint, draw, play guitar, and write music. I can honestly say that I am extremely talented and I know God must've given me these passions and talents to use them in life to help others..

But things have never been worse. My family has always been in horrid debt, and my $40,000 per year loans are not helping.. Since i started college, my parents split up, my dad moved away and is now bankrupt. The house i grew up in is now being foreclosed & i don't know where the rest of my family will live. I live alone in my school's dorms, completely on loans, completely unemployed and feeling like a piece of scum.

I'm trying so hard to make things work in life, I try to fix things on my own, yet it never works out. When I ask God for help, things usually seem to get worse. I don't even know anymore how much I believe in God... It seems like i only 'believe' when i beg and pray something terrible doesn't happen... & that's not just.

I'm the only hope my family has not to lose everything and bring some financial security that we have never known. I feel so pressured to succeed and i cant handle watching them suffer. Finally being discovered for my art and music is what I'm longing to have happen - Being able to keep my house and family, be financially stable, live life feeling safe...

I just discovered something awful. Due to idiotic mistakes in my past, I found out that I'm at risk of having HIV. Nothing has ever made me feel as awful as i do knowing HIV is a possibility. I don't have any income, and have to wait to get tested at a free clinic. The stress of not knowing is killing me. What's even worse is the thought of me having HIV and spread it to others. all i can think about is that I will show up positive, get sick and die, leaving my family with all of their debt + my $160,000 in student loans, and i will be rotting in hell for causing such horrible things to happen to the ones i love.

I've been praying and praying that things will work out, that I won't test positive, and i can continue struggling through life and make things better in the end. I hate always being alone and feeling so scared. There's nobody I can talk to about any of this, so that's why i've turned to prayer, and hoping maybe somebody here or up there will hear and answer me.

I've never hated myself as much as i do right now. I feel physically ill at all thoughts of future scenarios. I'm a crying wreck. I feel like I am without a doubt doomed. I pray that I am fine, that I am just over paranoid, but I have never felt so convinced about such an awful thing. I am too full of life to have it taken from me. I have too much to give, so much to be made, I can't imagine not being able to do it..

please pray for me, my family, and every one's wellbeing. I'm realizing more and more that i can't make it on my own.

thank you

Janelle's response:

Oh, Sierra, what a heavy weight you are carrying. You will be in my thoughts and prayers.

One side note, so that you have one less thing to worry about. I remember being told in a student loan seminar, that if a student would happen to die with unpaid loans, the loans are forgiven. The family does not have to pay them.

I don't know if this will be helpful to you with your spiritual questions, but I thought I'd share from something I have recently written. I was reflecting on Matthew 5 where Jesus says,

"Blessed are the poor in spirit,
for theirs is the Kingdom of Heaven.
4 Blessed are those who mourn,
for they shall be comforted.
5 Blessed are the meek,
for they shall inherit the earth.
6 Blessed are those who hunger and thirst after righteousness, for they shall be filled.."

In life today we are usually told we are "blessed" or successful when we are productive, earning a lot of money, exerting power and influence. But in this passage, Jesus introduces us to a kingdom that has been referred to as an upside down kingdom--a kingdom that works on different principles than the principles of life most common today.

The fact is that I hear from person after person who is grieving the loss of a loved one where people tell them its time to move on, "get over it."

And yes, there is a time to move forward, but it seems that one of the things Jesus is saying here is, "there is space for you--as you are--in my kingdom. There is space for you who mourn, you who are poor in spirit, you who are meek. There is space for you in this upside down kingdom when you are not on top of the world, when you can't and don't live up to the expectations of those around you.

Here is a space, a kingdom, where you can be what you are. You who mourn, you who are poor in spirit, you who are meek...you are welcome here as you are. Even though the rest of the world doesn't seem to want a weeping, powerless person at its party. You are wanted here.

So Sierra, even if you feel you are doomed that is not God's perspective of you. You are loved. And there is room for you with the mistakes of the past, with the anxieties about your family, with the worries about HIV.

You might find it helpful to take some quiet time each day to imagine yourself sitting with God and handing over each of your worries one at a time. Ask God to carry each anxiety for the day so that you can be free to do the things you need to do in your classes, etc.

Comments for Where is God in my life?

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May 14, 2012
Still hoping
by: Sierra

Thank you all for the kind words and for putting me into your prayers. Life has been rough, but i suppose it's getting better.

Over the past several months, i have been severely ill, and missed many classes at college because of it. i worked as hard as i could, dealing with illness, and dealing with my house being evicted.

the school year ended last friday, and i currently live with some relatives until i move back into the dorms for fall, my senior year of college. my immediate family is living in a small apartment close to where are house was. it's a big adjustment losing 15 years of our life, but we're all trying to move on.

as far as my illness goes, i've been seeing doctors as best i can. i was diagnosed with anemia. due to constant fevers, i kept searching for medical answers. it seems as though most of it has been due to cuts and wounds, leading to bladder infections, and a dental crown getting infected, causing the majority of all other problems. i see a dentist tomorrow.

i've been trying very hard to get a job, but so far no luck.
i got to the point where i was buying food with my last penny... let's hope i never again purchase something with over 500 pennies.


mentally and physically drained, but i still feel that there's some hope. i've lost my house, my money, the only way things could get worse is to lose my family, but i still have them. i can make it.

May 13, 2012
You have inspired me
by: Christina B

I came online looking to post my own pray and find help. But after reading your post my heart was lifted and I couldn't complain not one bit. I am a 26 year old female who have seen God working my my life the last 5years like no other time before. I would first like to ask you have you been saved by Jesus Christ? All of what is happening will all go according to plan in regards to God's Will in your life but His very first will for you is salvation.

Then, once you are saved. What God is doing is making himself evident in your life. Meaning He is starting to show you that He is real and that you do need Him. No one else can be your Rock and lead you besides peaceful streams. God the Father has different names you can call on and right now you need to call on your Father Jehovah Jireh (as He is your provider) You are healed by the stripes of Jesus Christ and you can call on Jehovah Rapah (your healer). He is going to make Himself so evident in your life that you will NEVER question His existence or His abilities, and His love for you. This is the begin to you and God's History together. He want you to brag on Him and about how YOUR God saved you from every trap the enemy set before you.

Stay Encourage and just start thanking Him even if you do not see anything happening in your favor yet. His small mustard seed of faith you have will begin to please God and make Him move on your behalf my sister. God is calling you early in life. He hurts when you hurt. He wants to walk with you butyl want you to walk at His pace and want you to be confident when your walking with Him that no one or nothing can make you fall.

Christina,

I Love you my Sister

Aug 27, 2011
There is hope:)
by: Kim

Hi Sierra, I'm sorry to hear what you're going through. I just lost my husband a month and a half ago and I have a daughter your age and a 17 year old son. I'm creeping through life ever so slowly trying to get through this and I thought my problems were hard. One really refreshing thing I noticed about your post is that you are very young and you worry so much fir your family. In today's world so many kids only think about me, me, me. To hear you worry and care fir your parents like you do us a really good quality these days. Please believe that God will get you through this and I believe you will be blessed for your kind heart someday. We all want answers now and we have to be patient and know God is going to help us it just may not be what he has planned right now. There are things God wants us to learn from and we can't turn our back on him for trying to teach us things. Im not sure what I'm supposed to learn from my sorrows now but maybe sometime in the future I will be able to help someone in my shoes so I have to go through this to learn for later. I really hope everything works out for you and I admire your intentions. I'm sure your parents are impressed with your maturity for trying to help them out. Take care and God bless you:)

Aug 24, 2011
your update
by: Janelle

Sierra,

Thanks for the update. I'm so glad to hear this hopeful report. Hope you continue to get good news!

Aug 23, 2011
thanks
by: Sierra

Thank you for your response and kind words.
Today I went to a clinic and got tested for various things. The results from all the immediate tests came back negative. On monday i will find out about the HIV results. The DR did not tell me it was impossible, but she did say it was highly unlikely that I would show positive for it. Naturally, I'm still terrified, and still praying for the results to be negative.

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