My Little Flower

by Lerato Maribe
(Johannesburg, South Africa)

My little baby Mbali (which means flower) passed away 2 months ago after a battle with Lupus Syndrome. She was only 2yrs old, but such a bubbly little intelligent madam. What started as pneumonia ended up as something more serious, something that turned my life upside down and changed it forever. I had never heard of Rheumatoid Arthiritis and Lupus Syndrome until Mbali was 2 weeks in hospital and not responding to the pneumonia drugs they were feeding her. She was in Peads ICU, getting the best care and treatment, but not getting better.

God sent us an angel in the form of a Doctor who had previously had a patient with the same signs my baby was showing. And that's when my daughter's journey home and my biggest nightmare began. She was in ICU but awake and talking. After 3 days of tests and bone marrow extraction, we were given the diagnosis. Looking at her when the doctor was talking to us, I saw she was fighting throughout and believed with me by her side, we will beat this.

Unfortunately by the end of that week, my baby was tubed and put on ventilator machine as her lungs had collapsed. Two days later, she had a cardiac arrest and crashed. Even though the doctor fought to get her back, things got worse. My baby's liver was next to fail, and she started to bleed non-stop by the nose and mouth. Next came the kidneys and then she started swelling up. Our Angel Doctor came back in and had a chat with us about dialysing her to assist her kidneys to release the fluids in her body. Risky as it was since she was still bleeding, we went ahead with it. Within a day, she looked much better and miraculously stopped bleeding. It looked like she was getting better and looking like her old self again. After two weeks being on the dyalisis machine, the doctor told us her lungs were fully recovered, so was the liver and the kidneys too, but our celebration was cut short when she told us she had severe brain damage and even if she does come through and wake up, she will never be the same vibrant and chatty little girl I brought to the hospital.

I remember going out, screaming and crying helplessly. I then asked God to heal my daughter for her, and not for me. I asked him to make sure my child is alright and at peace. The next morning at 07:45 my little angel passed on, looking like her old self again. On 05 October she would've turned 3yrs, and as we sang for her at the graveside, it felt like I had just buried her. The pain started from scratch. I'm hurting so much I never know how I make it through the day.

I made a promise to her on her birthday that I will work on accepting she had to leave so I do not make it difficult for her to do her Angelic duties in heaven, but it is so hard. I have started to slowly rekindle my connection to God cause I realise he is the only one who can help me through this. The pain will never go away, but I am prepared to learn to live with it and move on. I miss her so much.

_______________

Dear Lerato,

I am so sorry for your loss. I cannot imagine what it is like to go through this horrific experience with a young daughter.

My thoughts have been with you these last few days. I had internet problems, due to the weather, so I only saw your message, but could not get it posted or respond.

There are no easy answers. I wonder if you might find helpful the information in the Trauma Healing section of the site.

A favorite quote of mine is from a Spanish poet, Antonio Machado, "Traveler, there is no path. We make the path by walking." So please let me encourage you to keep walking. Keep looking for hope and beauty even as you are honest and real with your pain.

Janelle

Comments for My Little Flower

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Oct 14, 2011
 Thank you for sharing
by: Kim

Lerato, I see you every morning and do not know if it is ok to ask how you are. Nobody can be ok after what you went through but really glad that I have read this. I feel like so helpless when I try to offer comfort but just wanted to thank you for sharing this. Helps me understand a little more where you are at the moment. Mabali touched my heart... and I only met her once. She was an amazing girl.
Oct 13, 2011
 Let God be your refuge
by: Your sister in God

Your ability to love is overwhelming and maybe finding a home of orphans and helping out there might somewhat help you by giving love to those in need of it.
Oct 13, 2011
 God's Garden
by: TBEE

God looked around his garden
And He found an empty place.
He then looked down upon this earth,
And saw Mbali.



He put his arms around her
And lifted her to rest.
God’s garden must be beautiful
He always takes the best.

Mama ngwana o tshwara Thipa ka bogaleng
Tia fela jwalo Nako e tla go fodisa

Oct 13, 2011
 be faithful till the end and i shall give you the crown of life
by: vuyelwa spintsi luphoko

For he will never leave nor forsake U, know that he's with u in ur pain. God once said weeping comes in the Night but joy comes in the morning. Morning is soon to come just hold. Onto him & u'll c great. Things will start to happen pray. Without ceasing and don't leave his side for his your comforter. Rato I'm so sorry for your loss & now. You gotme tearing love u.
Oct 13, 2011
 be faithful till the end and i shall give you the crown of life
by: vuyelwa spintsi luphoko

For he will never leave nor forsake U, know that he's with u in ur pain. God once said weeping comes in the Night but joy comes in the morning. Morning is soon to come just hold. Onto him & u'll c great. Things will start to happen pray. Without ceasing and don't leave his side for his your comforter. Rato I'm so sorry for your loss & now. You gotme tearing love u.
Oct 13, 2011
 God is your only refuge
by: Anonymous

Hi Lerato

I say only God can ease the pain coz He knew you before conception, just surrender all your being to him and you will see His healing power manifest in your heart. Gods ways are not ours. Nothing is greater that God's power and spend more time with your older daughter it will heal both of you!
Oct 13, 2011
 He will never leave nor forsake you....
by: Tumi Metsing

Hi Rato

I can almost say I know exactly how you feeling, loosing a loved one in that manner is traumatic and the pain stays with you for so long. when I lost my mother, I thought I will never be same again, I thought I will never heal and can never have a relationship with God again. Over the years, the pain became less intensive and going through all the mourning phases helped me a great deal. At times I thought I was going to die too cos the whole thing was just unbearable. A whole lot of times I thought I would go crazy, I didn't have the zeal to live.

It will be 8 years this Saturday (15/10/2011 since she passed on, I can't say I am healed but the pain is surely not as intense, I have wonderful memories or her, I seem not to remember the hospital scene(s) anymore. over time I have learned to accept that God had a purpose and all of us have a time frame.

Mbali's was a very short life span with an amazing impact on everyone who had a chance to experience her special aura, she was a very special child who gave us a chance to see an angel on earth.

It shall pass and my lovely sister, you don't have to be okay all the time, go through all those phases and don't suppress anything. Talk about your pain when you want to, cry when you have to, be angry when need be. a whole lot of times it will not make sense, it doesn't have to!
You are a strong woman and God loves you just as much and He will see you through this journey.

Counseling might help you too lovey. Stay Blessed and trust in Him to walk you through this phase ya bophelo ba hao. As I write this, I can't stop the tears from streaming down my face, if my comment doesn't make sense, i know you will let me know............ Love you sister :)

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