My grief stages

by Debbie
(Ohio)

My stages of grief are all over the place . Angry yes! Sad Definitely! Denial, Guilt oh Yes! right along with a deep depression. I always knew Michael ( My only son) was going to die before me. I thought because of his life style that he would have been gone by the time he was 21, but little did I know that his lifestyle would affect his health so bad. We begged him to go to the Dr. He started looking really bad swollen, grayish blue color, He was very overweight, He never went to the Doctor's. He drank and smoked weed and I mean a lot of weed and he also had chronic bronchitis. He stopped drinking and stopped smoking and was to be married in September. We where all so happy for him. On April 30 th he was taken by squad to the Hospital. Blood pressure so high, low oxygen levels and congestive heart failure. Later during his hospital stay they found that he had some kidney damage and thyroid disease. After refusing to get intubated he was on full oxygen for 10 days. He said he would die if they did. He was not getting any better. Thankfully I was able to see him everyday and quiet his soul tell him how much I loved him. I found out that he had asked Jesus into his heart that was on Saturday and On sunday Mother's Day May 2015 at 12:10 AM He was pronounced dead from respiratory arrest. That is when the denial set in. I have never know such intense pain that I couldn't release a scream even if tried to. I couldn't breath in enough air, my heart felt like it was broke in two. I still am in denial. I want to focus on everything but Michael. It hurts to bad and I feel like I am living on top of a mountain top where everything is just fine and refusing to believe the rest of it is even present because if I do the pain would be to intense. I had to let go of the guilt it was making me physically sick the what if's, just if he would have gone earlier. If I would have been there when he died. Thinking he was all alone just would make me sob uncontrollably.Dealing with the guilt is something you have to do. When you honor your feelings as part of your story it does bring healing to your heart.Right now i believe I am in the sorrow and depression stage. Sorrow is with all stages of my grief but my emotions of the other stages overpowered the sorrow. I think I am starting to accept but not completely yet. It is a long road but writing truly helps me. Healing is a process. I need to express my feelings so whatever it takes I am willing to do it.

Comments for My grief stages

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Dec 10, 2015
My thoughts and prayers are with you!
by: Amanda

I'm very sorry for your loss. nothing anyone says or does seems to help and i wish i could say something to make you feel better. i lost my little sister this august and she was only 24 years old, healthy as can be, an athlete (basketball player) also about to graduate from college with a degree in Kinesiology Bachelor of Science. We had no warning what so ever and found out she had a rare form of heart disease called Arrhythmogenic Right Ventricular Dysplasia also known as ARVD. Its genetic and very hard to detect. My whole world has sort of stopped and especially for my parents who cant help feel guilty and blame themselves. Your story touched my heart because your going through something somewhat similar and i just wanted to wish you well and thank you for sharing. Just know your son is with you and one day you'll be together again and for now hes your angel in heaven and hes in your heart and i hope this helped you even if only a little i know the pain and its the worst feeling. But thank you and God Bless you <3

Jun 25, 2015
Response
by: Debbie

I hope you are doing a little better, I am ok I think. Thank you for reading my thoughts I have written quite a few more on this site. I feel like everyone understands here you know?
Debbie from Ohio

Jun 15, 2015
My grief stages
by: Anonymous

I'm so sorry for your loss of your son I've just recently lost my husband 7 months now and I still can't accept it the pain the physical stage of pain it literally never leaves your mind it's so hard to even function normally with life I sometimes don't even want to but I've found this site and upon reading everyone's stories I just don't know why but it brings me a little peace and I feel that were all in this together. So please be kind to yourself and just take a day at a time I'll try also to follow my own advice and we'll get through together sincere wishes karyn

Jun 11, 2015
My stages of grief are all over the place
by: Janelle

What a horrible time this must be for you. I believe your experience of feeling the stages of grief are "all over the place" is common. You are not alone, even though it often feels like it. Thanks for sharing your experience. May you find glimmers of hope each day.

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