Losing SJ

Its like a movie that replays through your mind over and over again. To hear the words pronounced dead and we did all that we could do was the worst thing in the world. I begin to hate seeing hospitals and even get sick to my stomach when entering one. I lost SJ when he was only 7 months old. Couldn't accept it and didn't know how to deal with it. To find your own child unresponsive and doing all that you can to save him is heartbreaking.

The day started off going good. I had all of my children with me. We were sitting around the house watching disney channel and eating pizza. After an afternoon nap, things took a turn for the worse. I check on my son and he's not breathing, cant get a response or a pulse. I rush him to the hospital but it seems that i wasn't driving fast enough because no matter what i did it seems like his time had already ran out.

I didn't know how to deal with it or cope. To see him on that bed and never to get up again was the hardest thing in my life.To know that your child was harmed by someone and then to see things in a different light is very disheartening.

I didn't want to talk about SJ because i felt like i would lose him once the memories were gone. Didn't want to share him with anyone because i wanted to keep him all to myself. Then i realized i was hurting myself and the people around me because i stayed angry all the time. I even tried harming myself and had thoughts of doing harm to myself just to be back with him. I thought that would bring me peace but it only caused more heartache, pain, confusion, depression, and anxiety attacks along with sleepless nights.

I grew restless because i wanted to have my son back and didn't know how to handle loss. After seeing how other parents dealt with the loss of a child i became open to seeking counseling and getting the necessary help i needed in order to be normal again and to have a wholesome life. The things i went through had a dramatic effect on me and i was just sweeping it under the rug and downplaying it like it wasn't that serious. now i realize how serious what i was dealing with was. It caused me to mistreat my fiancee' and be mad at her for every little small thing she done. I felt unappreciated no matter how hard i worked or no matter how much i done it seemed like it wasn't enough. In the end i realized that all my anger was built up from me losing my son and i just couldn't accept that as the reason and i didn't want help. I felt that i didn't need any help. I thought i could counsel myself through it alone and with Gods help.

Finally i had to be honest with myself and say dude you really need help. Seeing the despair on my fiancee's face let me know that me not seeking help was really hurting us and she was only hanging on by a thread. Our relationship was unhealthy. Neither one of us was happy with the other. We were both in a dark place and always threatening to leave if things didn't get better. We both had to come to terms and agree that we needed help. Not only as a couple but also individually. To lose my son crushed me. It ruined friendships because people couldn't relate to what i was feeling or what i was going through. Finally i had to say, dude you can't handle this alone and you have to allow people to help you. It's hard to summarize the life of a 7 month old because the time frame is so short and you only have a small window to enjoy that amount of time. I did make the most of the time i had and i cherished it to the fullest. I'm thankful that through this website i was able to release this hurt that i've been holding on to for years and have allowed healing to begin to take place in my life. It really lifts a burden off of me to release all this pressure thats been built up inside of me.

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