if only

Has any one out there ever lost a loved one through epilepsy?

I say "If only" because i know that if I had been there i could so easily have saved my partner like i had done so many other times before. he had so many accidents through this condition, and many times i helped him. But this time i wasn't there.

I knew some how that day on the way home, he was in trouble, because i kept calling him but no answer, and when i got through the door my worst nightmare had happened.

We had so much ahead of us, he was so happy because I was 20 weeks pregnant and expecting his first child. I have never known anyone so devoted as him at being a daddy, and being the most caring supportive man to me.

We were so happy, about to get married and share the joy of watching our child grow up. But one day I came home and found him in our home. I can't describe the pain thst brought me, when i lifted him up and held him in my arms, i never wanted to let go.

I feel so sad i often want to die to be with him, but i know i have his baby due in september so that gived me part of him to hold onto and love and cherish. But it leaves me sad knowing i cant no longer share that happiness with him.

I wish i was old so i didnt have to wait so many years to be with him, because we were both so young and had a happy future ahead of us. Now i feel so empty and alone without him. He is someone i will cherish for eternity,and i will wait to be with him again .

Comments for if only

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Jan 04, 2015
 Death from epilepsy
by: Anonymous

I'm just writing to say I lost my 24year old son to epilepsy. Many people don't know about SUDEP. People die suddenly of Epilepsy. Its been a year and a half. And I'm not doing well. Still grieving.
Dec 12, 2011
 Checking in
by: Anonymous

Hi Donna, I haven't heard from you in a while so I thought I would check on you and see how you are doing. I hope everything is alright. I'm going to put my email here for you if you would rather talk that way it's more private. My email is...Kimandgeorge@live.com. Please let me know how you are doing. These days trying to get ready for the holidays are tough for me, how about you? Well I look forward to hearing from you and take care. I hope your baby is doing good also. Bye for now, Kim
Nov 30, 2011
 Love your gift
by: Anonymous

Wow Donna what special birthday gift from above! That must have made your day! I was hoping that something special would come your way. I have had a few really neat things happen to me too. I love butterflies and where we live the monarch butterflies used to migrate by the thousands. Well over the last few years they haven't been coming and the week that George passed they all started showing up again. I looked up to the sky and told him thanks for the present. For about two weeks every morning when I woke up I would look outside in my backyard and watch them all flutter and dance, it was so beautiful. Oh by the way what is your mans name, if you don't mind me asking? I also cherish our new friendship. It's nice having someone to talk to that knows what your going through. Everyone else tries helping but losing a parent or grandparent is just not the same. When you love someone so deeply and unconditionally it leaves a giant hole in you that you feel will never be whole again. I know though our loved ones are just trying to help though. I feel like it was meant for us to cross paths on this web site. You seem like a really sweet person. How is your baby boy doing? Is he sleeping good at night yet? My grandson is such a good baby. He really only cries if he is hungry, tired or has a dirty diaper. Other than that he is always pretty happy. He is almost ready to walk now too. The teething part was hard though, I felt so bad for him. I hope your boy is a happy one too:) well I need to go now. Have a nice day!! Love, Kim
Nov 30, 2011
 rainbow
by: Anonymous

Dear Kim,

Thank you so much for my birthday wishes, I had the most precious gift today. I asked my husband to send me a rainbow the day before my birthday, and I could not believe it this morning for when i looked up at the sky I saw one, he sent me a rainbow for my birthday. How special that made me feel !

That goe's to show that our loved ones are still with us. and left week during the christening i had sent a message on my balloon asking for a rainbow. I really like sharing our stories and feel close to you even though weav'e never met. I think it is because we have been through the same near the same time.

Good to hear from you, take care, speak soon

Donnaxx
Nov 29, 2011
 Happy Birthday:)
by: Anonymous

Hey there Donna, HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU!!! I can only say that I don't know how hard it is going to be for you but I will be in your shoes on April 5. I would like to believe that God allows our guys to see us on our special days. That means your love will be watching you on your birthday. We will always miss them on days like these, but hopefully it will get easier with time. My husband always made such a fuss for my birthday. One example is for my 30th he bought me 30 presents. Then after I opened them he had hidden 30 lottery tickets around the house for me to find. He was sooo good to me. For our 15th wedding anniversary he surprised me and had arranged for me to go sky diving. I had always wanted to try it so he made sure I got to do it. I could never imagine any other man being as good and loving to me as he was. I hope you do something fun for your birthday because your love wouldn't want you to sit and be depressed at home. I know my husband wouldn't want me at home being sad that day. I hope I can live up to my own words though come my birthday I don't know what it will be like. We just celebrated an American holiday, Thanksgiving. That was really tough without George there with me. It didn't even feel like a holiday. Well I will tell you about myself too, I am 37 and I haven't worked since 1994 when my son was born. Me and George had decided that it was important for me to stay home and raise our kids. I'm old fashioned and I didn't want baby sitters raising my kids. I love being mom and now grandma. I like to read but I don't get in much reading now due to helping with my grandson. My son is only 17 and I can't hate him because he made a mistake at a young age. He has to live with his mistake and be the best daddy he can. He knows there will be things he will miss out on because he has a baby but he accepts his responsibility and does the best he can. I know now why Gid gave us this grandson and that was so George could experience being a grandpa before he left. He absolutely loved being a grandpa, so our grandson was a gift from above. I live in the state if California. Like you I am a very outgoing, fun person. I like being around people and I have a great sense of humor. Right now my parents are living with me. They have their own home but since the day I found my husband gone I called them and they haven't left. I'm not ready for them to go home yet. My parents are so special to me and I love them a lot. I'm very blessed to have them here for me. Well you have a great birthday and I will be looking up at the sky tomorrow wishing you a happy birthday. Im hoping my birthday wishes will travel your way. Take care for now:))
Nov 28, 2011
 hi kim
by: Anonymous

Hi kim, so glad to hear from you. yes the christening was lovely thank you, he looked so beautiful in his christening gown and my family were all there to celebrate this special day. yes the balloons looked so wonderful i am going to do this every year now. I am so glad that your daughter's wedding went well and you sound such a wonderful mother.I was thinking of you too believe it or not, I knew you had the wedding in November. Yes christmas i am also going to find difficult too, I am only surviving it due to it being my babys first christmas, he is 14 weeks old now he is now beginning to smile. The other night i completely broke down as it's my birthday wednesday 30th Nov, and I miss my husband so m uch, the more each day passes the more i try and remember his face, his voice, and the last time i saw him, often can't believe he is not here on earth. I am managing better when i am busy, i enjoy buying clothes but that's just it, when i realise he is not there to admire me i just leave them in the wardrobe sometimes or wear them but not have the excitement of watching his face light up or have him make a fuss of me.

yes i feel the same as you, older people, so so lucky to have the rest of their lives together, yet often people who have that do not even realise how lucky they are. Even though i have a nice family they are not there 24/7 and the relationship is not the same kind of love that you have with your husband. I feel v much lonely even if i do have family with me and often hide my sadness in front of every one else,it is only when i am alone that i cry. I never want any other love either, people say to me its early days but they dont understand, he was and will always be my eternal love so i never want any other.

The other day i was looking at photos of him on my laptop when i felt the tears fall. Then i am so so sure that when i looked back at the photo, a rainbow appeared on the photo of me and him. i blinked, thought no i must have imagined it to be there, but then i saw the rainbow again, only for a few seconds.

your grandson must bring you comfort too, and 11 months is such a lovely age because he is developing his own character and personality. I know he will continue to bring you so much more happiness.

I will tell you a bit about myself. I live in England, I love art and painting and i am also interested in poetry and creative writing. I am 39 30th Nov, i am chatty outgoing, and love people. I use to work as a carer in a children's home, and now as you know, i am a full time mummy. Be good to learn more about you. IN meantime take care, Donnax
Nov 28, 2011
 Happy to hear from you
by: Kim

I am so happy to hear that his birthday went well. How was the christening of your baby? I hope that went good too. I also made it through my daughters wedding and walked her down the aisle and I did ok. I think my husband was watching over both of us and making sure we did ok. I did Lose it during the father daughter dance watching my son stand in for his father and dance with his sister. I'm not sure what it is about the timing but I have been feeling really depressed also. For me it's been 4 months now since I lost my love and somedays it seems like it's getting harder to deal with and I'm not looking forward to Christmas. How about you? I'm really sorry things have been so tough for you lately. I'm sure it hurts for you to see other families together with their baby. I get jealous when I see two older people together and they look happy still. I think this is just not right I should've been able to see us together as a cute old couple. I haven't heard back from you for a while and I was worried for you. I knew you were going to be celebrating his birthday and I hoped that it would go good. I still love your idea about sending all the balloons with the letters attached to him in hopes he gets them in heaven. I hope you know that if you're having a bad day you can write and I will answer as soon as I can. I live in the US and from your writings I can tell you don't live in the US maybe somewhere in Europe? That means that the time difference is quite a bit but I will answer you as soon as I get it. How is your baby doing? My grandson is 11 months old now and he is almost ready to walk and he says dada now too. He is such a gift from God to me. I help my son with him alot and he keeps my mind busy, I don't know what I would do if I didn't always have him around to keep me smiling and busy. I'm sure you know how that is. I hope you love being a mommy:) well I hope we make it through this little bump in the road with our emotions. It will never be fair that we loved our men so much and had such great relationships that had to end way too soon. Someday we will understand why when we reunite with them. Still it will never be soon enough. Take care and have a great day, Kim
Nov 26, 2011
 send me a rainbow
by: Anonymous

I thought out of all the anniversaries my husbands birthday would be a difficult and sad day, but going ahead with our babies christening turned this into a beautiful day, and watching our messages to him float up into the sky was magical the balloons lit up like tiny silvder stars in the sky.

yet I never considered my birthday only 10 days after his, now i have remembered that, he won't be able to be there physically to make my day special and today i felt so sad and angry i felt my tears in my eyes, stopped them falling as i never cry in front of anyone, but I felt an overwhelming sense of sadness. For his birthday, even without him, i could do something nice for him but my birthday, well felt even more sad to think that he couldn;t do that for me, unless by a miracle he sent me a rainbow.

So many people take having a partner for granted, cos the best birthday present i could ever have would be having him back. It's not fair, why has some children got a daddy, when my childs older wont they need a dad to teach them things like football and have a fatherly role model, i have to do both be mummy and daddy by myself, i feel lonely without him even though i have a lovely family they also have partners, i go home me and and my baby, my life could have been so happy but instead its not the happy ending. I love my baby so much, but i feel only half a person , i feel ive lost my whole sense of self, without him i feel lost. it hurts so much though i have to be braveand give our baby a happy life. i am use to putting on a brave face and i only cry when i am totally alone.
Oct 31, 2011
 Proud day
by: Anonymous

Donna, I'm really so proud of you for standing by your decision. I didn't want to just out right tell you that I thought you should go on with your plans because it needed to be a decision from your heart and no one else's . Plus uf it had a negative effect on your husbands family I wouldn't want you to have to go through that. You have been through enough this year with seeing your love suffer from epilepsy to his passing and having to give birth without him by your side. You don't deserve any other problems. I still remember the day I gave birth like yesterday and it's been soo long. I don't know how hard it would have been for me without my husband there to help. I'm sooo sorry you had to go through it alone. I hope you had some family there with you to celebrate. Please remember too when people look at you weird because you are a single mother that they don't know your situation and shouldn't care what they think. The only person now that you will be forever close to is your son. Soon enough time will go by and he will be able to talk to you and tell you what a wonderful mother you are and only his opinion about you will matter. I have great beautiful bonds with both my children and you will too. You both will learn to depend on each other and you will feel the best love ever between a mother and her child. I love the poem you wrote for your son too it is beautiful. I also like the idea of letting the balloons go on his birthday. My husbands birthday is in February and I don't know what I will feel like doing then. I will have to think of something creative for me and my kids too. I hope on my daughters wedding day I can fill her daddy's shoes ok. I know it's not the same as if he was there but I hope she knows how much I love her and how happy I will be to give her away. I can't help but think her daddy will be there in spirit watching us and looking at how beautiful our daughter looks in her wedding dress. She has decided that during the father daughter dance instead of just sitting there while a slide show plays pictures of her and her father she will dance with her brother. I know in my heart that my husband would really love that idea. He will probably be in Heaven crying while watching the two of them dance. Good luck with the christening and like I said I'm so happy you made a good decision for you and your son. Take lots of pictures to show your son in the future. God bless you and your little boy!! I will say a prayer tonight for you both. Take care love, Kim
Oct 30, 2011
 If only
by: Anonymous

Dear Kim,

Thank you for your comments i do value them greatly and sharing our loss with one another. I have managed to explain how important it means to me to go ahead with the christening on this day and told them that i respect their reasons are different to mine.Even though they have said that they won't be coming, I am still going to follow my heart as to what is right for me and my baby.

I have also decided to get some hellium balloons and ask people who knew my husband to write something special they remember about him, tie them to the balloon and watch it float up into the sky, and we are going to sing "When a child is born", and have a birthday cake and candles to remember my husbands birthday.Also i am going to give my baby a st.Christopher that belonged to his daddy when he was a little boy, this will be a present on his christening day to keep for when he is older.

I have written a poem to give to my little boy when he is older. this is how it goe's-

He looks down through the clouds and the stars at night, on his child he shines upon a radiance of light, on this day of daddys birthday we could have chose to mourn, but instead we can remember a day his daddy was born.x

I feel at peace in my heart because I know how much that would mean to my husband, our baby was all he talked about when sharing the pregancy with me and thats why i am honouring him in this way, it's beautiful and special.
Your husband will be with you on her special day, you are bound to feel sad and emotional, but be proud of your strength.
I still keep all my text messages from my husband on my phone. This year so much has happened. At the beginning of the year in January I found out i was pregnant and was still working full time, then half way through I lost my husband, then went througha difficult birth, and now I have a baby next to my bed and my life has changed so much.I look on the other side of my bed and see an empty space and pillow, and cuddle my husbands jumper i always keep under my pillow. I make the bed in the morning and put our tedddies on the bed like he use to, his on his side and mine on mine.

I remember how much pain i was in giving birth, not just physically but emotionally, and i cried for my husband. Then I watched all the other mums on the ward having their husbands caring for them and having someone to go home to. That choked me up because all i had was a photograph beside my bed and wearing my husbands t shirt.
Then, even now I have had people make unkind comments to me and looking down on me for being a single mum. But I just tell myself how proud i should be of myself for having the strength to carry on all on my own, and thats why i say to you how proud you should be too for being happy for your daughter and being there despite all your own pain, you are there for her. well done.
Donna
Oct 30, 2011
 If only
by: Anonymous

Dear Kim,

Thank you for your comments i do value them greatly and sharing our loss with one another. I have managed to explain how important it means to me to go ahead with the christening on this day and told them that i respect their reasons are different to mine.Even though they have said that they won't be coming, I am still going to follow my heart as to what is right for me and my baby.

I have also decided to get some hellium balloons and ask people who knew my husband to write something special they remember about him, tie them to the balloon and watch it float up into the sky, and we are going to sing "When a child is born", and have a birthday cake and candles to remember my husbands birthday.Also i am going to give my baby a st.Christopher that belonged to his daddy when he was a little boy, this will be a present on his christening day to keep for when he is older.

I have written a poem to give to my little boy when he is older. this is how it goe's-

He looks down through the clouds and the stars at night, on his child he shines upon a radiance of light, on this day of daddys birthday we could have chose to mourn, but instead we can remember a day his daddy was born.x

I feel at peace in my heart because I know how much that would mean to my husband, our baby was all he talked about when sharing the pregancy with me and thats why i am honouring him in this way, it's beautiful and special.
Your husband will be with you on her special day, you are bound to feel sad and emotional, but be proud of your strength.
I still keep all my text messages from my husband on my phone. This year so much has happened. At the beginning of the year in January I found out i was pregnant and was still working full time, then half way through I lost my husband, then went througha difficult birth, and now I have a baby next to my bed and my life has changed so much.I look on the other side of my bed and see an empty space and pillow, and cuddle my husbands jumper i always keep under my pillow. I make the bed in the morning and put our tedddies on the bed like he use to, his on his side and mine on mine.

I remember how much pain i was in giving birth, not just physically but emotionally, and i cried for my husband. Then I watched all the other mums on the ward having their husbands caring for them and having someone to go home to. That choked me up because all i had was a photograph beside my bed and wearing my husbands t shirt.
Then, even now I have had people make unkind comments to me and looking down on me for being a single mum. But I just tell myself how proud i should be of myself for having the strength to carry on all on my own, and thats why i say to you how proud you should be too for being happy for your daughter and being there despite all your own pain, you are there for her. well done.
Donna
Oct 30, 2011
 Tough month
by: Anonymous

Wow Donna, this month will be difficult for both of us(Nov). I'm sorry that your idea of having your son christened on his Daddys birthday is not going over so well with his family. Sometimes death of people we love can cause havoc on families as I have learned in the past. You really love your babies father and you want there to be a connection between him and his father in a really special way since his father isn't here. To me that is very understandable. I feel for you though that it isn't being embraced by the family. I know you don't want to upset them because they will always be your sons family too and hopefully yours too. I like Janelles idea about writing to them to explain how important this is to you that your son has a special day to share with his father and that you don't mean any disrespect by choosing this day. That day will always be hard for you because you wish he was there for you to celebrate his birthday with him and doing something positive on that day will make it a little easier to handle. I really hope you can all work this out. There is nothing worse than negativity coming from someone that you love's death. We have it hard enough with losing them and we don't need it any harder. This month for me is going to be hard because my daughter is getting married on the 6th. She has asked me to walk her down the aisle and I'm so honored but also very nervous. I'm afraid I will break down knowing the fact that it should be her daddy there walking and not me. We have decided to leave an empty chair for daddy where he would have sat to honor the fact that he will not be there in person but we know he will be there in spirit. He was so excited to see her get married. I hope I have the strength that day to help her hold it together for her future husband as he deserves a happy bride. I will pray for you that this won't come between you and the family. You sound like your going to make a great mother too. Pray that God will help guide you in the right direction while making this tough decision. I'm sorry also to hear about the name thing on the birth certificate. If it was me I would go through the courts to make sure he gets his daddy's last name to honor his dad and carry on the name. I might sound like a pain to go through but you might regret it if you don't. That's my opinion though and you don't have to agree. You do what feels right to you:) Again thanks for talking with me, it makes me feel better to know I'm not alone in my situation. Take care, Kim
Oct 28, 2011
 if only
by: Janelle

I'm so sorry there is this difference of opinion about having your son christened on his dad's birthday. I can understand why you would feel that this would be a special way to honor his memory and help you bring a sense of joy to a difficult day.

It is hard to deal with differing perspectives of various family members when grief is involved. Everyone has their own sense of what is right, and it is often cause for hurt feelings.

I can't tell you want to do. But I wonder if it would be helpful to write a letter to those who feel differently than you. You might say that you honor their perspective and explain your desire to honor your baby's dad by celebrating in this way.

As I know so little about the situation, I don't know if it will help. But if written in a respecting and honoring tone, sometimes a letter can help pave a way to greater communication about an area of disagreement.

I do hope you are able to do something special to honor your son's dad on this difficult day. Hugs.
Oct 28, 2011
 IF ONLY
by: Anonymous

Dear Janelle and all who read,

I have a very difficult day coming up and i have a very special way of coping with mine and my babies loss of his father. I have been though the pain of not having my husband there at the birth, and i cried for him to be there. I also watched other mothers on the ward only instead of having just their husbands t shirt and photo next to their bed they had their husband. I left the hospital without mine.

And even though i have our baby beside my bed at night, on the other side is an empty space and a pillow with no one there. And sometimes i look at our baby and wonder how i am going to tell them when they ask about their dad. So today i was thinking about their daddys birthday coming up,and i knew how sad i would feel without him. so i thought of getting our son christened on that day so that i can tell our baby when he grows up he was christened on a v special day-his daddys birthday, and every year that passes we would not cry but instead rem the day our little boy was christed in a holy place and i gace him his daddies st christopher that he wore as a little boy.

But now my husbands family cant make it becuase they dont feel it is appropiate for their own reasons and i respect that. But this is something so meaningful to me for our son, and the most important part of my husbands life when he died was that of his unborn child. Now i am torn apart as i dont want to upset anyone but my heart tells me to do what is right.
Oct 22, 2011
 kim
by: Donna

Dear Kim,

I feel so like you it is not the same as loosing a grandparent etc, your husband is the person you share your life with, they are your eternal life and i thought your suppose to grow old with them and be there for one another. Like you being so young is even more painful because you have to wait so many years to be with them again if it werent for your children you would want to die so you could be with them. My dreams remind me of the day my husband died because i am never able to reach him and when i wake up i think it is so real yet i am constantly reminded i can not have him back the way i use to. In my dreams i am trying to call him, i always call his mobile phone yet he never answers.It is the same the day he died i called his phone 9 times yet i never heard his voice ever again. In a recent dream his dad answers and says "He is in Ditchling he wont be back until 10.30pm. Then i wake up and i think why Ditchling i can't ever remember going there. Then the other day i typed in Ditchling on the internet and sure enough it was the South Downs way, and yes we use to cycle through the country side on the south days, often through Pycoombe through to Lewes. It made me happy to be reminded of those times we did that because i remembered all the green fields and blue sky and all the cheep and cows.

The only dream i get to see him so far is this tall office building. I climb these stairs loads of them, then i reach the top, and i see a fleeting glimpse of him in his white shirt for a few seconds then he suddenly disapears.

I can understand how much you long to have dreams, i believe our loved ones somehow communicate with us yet often these can be subtle in that we don't nessasarily notice, and i am sure you will notice little signs at some point.
or maybe your husband is sending these signs through your children somehow.

I am presently wondering how i am going to manage my husbands birthday in november as we had such a lovely birthday for him last year.i may buy a cake and make a wish for him and me and our baby.like you i never want any one else ever, and i dont want men looking at me either as my husband would also get hurt and to me he is still there with me.

recently i feel angry how people look at me, not many but some people judge single parents and because i was never officially married i am unable to have my childs fathers name on his birth certificate without taking it to court which upsets me a lot because we never got the chance. the other day i found a card in my partners memory box with my ring size. we had gone to a jewellers to measure my size and he had the card in his wallet.

it makes me feel less alone that i can share my thoughts with others.















































Oct 14, 2011
 Thanks
by: Anonymous

Donna, thank you so much for sharing your experiences with me. I don't know about you but I don't know anyone that can relate with what I'm going through. I have a lot of family support but I'm the only one who has lost their husband. It's just not the same as losing your grandfather or grandmother who's lived to be in their eighties. I loved them too but not the same way as my husband. So you told me you've had dreams of your husband and ever since my husband George passed I have been begging God to give me just one glimpse of him in my dreams and I haven't had one dream of him yet. Both of my children have had dreams of their father and I'm glad for them but jealous too. Dreams seem so real and so to me it would at least feel like I got to see him again. I see we were both very lucky to find the man of our dreams. Like you I was with a guy that emotionally abused me and George did nothing but put me up on a pedistal and tell me how beautiful I was which was not what I was used to. I used to always feel ugly and he made it his priority to make me feel pretty and loved. I feel like I never want any other man to look at me the way he did or to flirt with me or anything. It would feel disrespectful I guess. I am so happy for you for going through changing your name and having YOUR ceremony if marriage to him, what an awesome thing for you. Now in your heart you are married to him:) How strange for you to express to him that you felt you were going to have your baby soon only to give birth that same day. The Lord works in mysterious ways doesn't he? I hope you have family and support to help you with your new son. These first months are very rewarding but tiring too. You gave birth the day before what would have been our 18 anniversary. Was this your first child? I like your idea with the mirror too. That is your something special between you and him. We need something to make us feel close to them. I find that writing to him helps, like somehow he really can read them and know still how much I still love him and care so deeply about him. Still though I want that dream soooo bad. People tell me when the time is right it will happen. I used to dream if him all the time when he was here. Why not now? Our daughter is getting married soon so maybe all the stress of that is just filling my mind at night even when I sleep. She is sad that her Daddy isnt here to walk her down the aisle. She has asked me to do it and I'm honored but I hope I can keep it all together that day for her. Please continue to share with me like I said I don't know anyone else who feels like I do. Have fun with your new little boy and congrats again. Take care, Kim
Oct 11, 2011
 Thank you kim
by: Donna

Hi Kim, thank you for your reply. Yes I am lucky to have such a beautiful baby boy, and what brings a miracle about my letters is that i wrote to my partner the day our baby arrived telling him i felt our baby would arrive v soon and sure enough he did. I believe he kept us safe and watched over us.

Yes little things like clothes etc don't seem so important now i agree, though my special mirror helps me to have that romance and feel special when i think of my partner looking back at me. He was and still is a special man to me, always will be, and he made me feel so beautiful and cherished and as much as he could admire others he always made me feel the one and only one for him. He was loyal, honest and caring in so many ways. I do feel sad we never got to have our special wedding day and when i look at other bride and groom and the emotion in their eyes of joy and happiness i can't help wishing me and my partner had had that happy ending together. Though i have since changed my name by deed poll to his sir name and also my baby is called his name too first and second name. I then brought myself a wedding ring and had my own ceremony.

I also find i get upset when i see photos of happy families with their children mums and dads taking their children on holiday etc wish i could have had that with my partner too. Writing also makes me feel close and i leave them on my chest of drawers in my bedroom for him to read as i belive he can. Sometimes i dream that he is living back home with his parents and i go to call his mobile in my dream only for him not to answer. then i wake up and realise ive dreamt. other times i have dreamt i have climbed up lots of stairs to a tall office building to reach him only to see him for a fleeting moment then he disappears, then i wake up and believe i can go far enough to find him or make magic happen.

You can't escape constant reminders of the places you went to and the silly little things are so much more meaningful and precious. Sometimes i get scared i am gonns forgot things like how his voice sounded even though i have a video, and i dont want to look nice as i dont want other men looking at me either, onky want him to think how nice i look. though he saw inner beauty made me feel so so wonderful and a complete person.

Oct 11, 2011
 Congrats
by: Kim

I am thrilled to hear you had your baby and that you're both fine. What a blessing that he looks like his daddy. He will bring you so many years of joy and also remind you of how much you loved his father. I kinda feel the same way you do about things I used to like when my husband was here. I find a lot of things just aren't as important as they used to be. Now clothes are just something that you wear and even some of my favorite foods just don't matter any more. I eat just to survive. All I really care about are my kids and my beautiful grandson who is 9 months old, and other family members. You are very lucky to have a new baby to love and take care of and remind you of your love you shared with his father. I also like to write to my husband and I feel like it's a great way to talk to him, like he can really read it and it makes me feel better. I hope you enjoy your new baby and again congratulations.
Oct 07, 2011
 Congratulations and thanks
by: Janelle

Thanks so much for the update and congratulations on the wonderful new baby in your life. I'm sure this has brought a new sense of joy--as well as some tiredness!

I was so touched reading your update about how you still relate to your partner. I also talk to my husband and sense his presence as well.

My son was 18 months old when his dad died. He goes through various seasons of feeling the loss. Sometimes it is just a not issue for him because he never really knew his dad and so life as he remembers has always been just him and I. But at other times he has expressed sadness at not knowing his dad. So it is a process that changes.

I love your idea of the mirror and the song that your sister had for you. May you continue to find ways to celebrate the beauty of your love.
Oct 04, 2011
 the day my baby arrived
by: Anonymous

hello, thank you for writing in response to my loss. I have always written letters to my partner ever since he died. I never say good bye to him because i never see him as gone. Instead i feel him and sense him around me even though it can't be the way it use to be. It is a miracle too because i wrote to him the day i gave birth to our baby. I had our baby on the 13th of august and in the morning i wrote to him telling him i felt that our baby would arrive very soon and that i wanted him to protect us and how much i looked into the future of what our child would be like yet how i also didnt want to let go of the old life i had with him because that saddened me to let go of so many happy years just the simplest of things like our time in the coffee shops and even choosing which charity box in waitrose to put our green buttons into.

Sure enough our baby was born that same day i wrote to him, and a beautiful baby born named after his dad. he looks so much like him, so much like him it is astonishing, i just look at him and see his daddy looking babck at me.

Other things i have noticed is how i have lost interest in buying clothes when i use to love clothes shopping and i know its partly becuase i loved to look nice for him and he admired me. I miss the love the romance and the nurturing he gave me, when i was pregnant he cared dor me so much, i miss not having that liike i use to.

Now i came up with an idea to help myself feel loved and admired by him again. i am going to keep a special mirror and everytime i look into it and wear new clothes makeup or perfume, i can imagine him looking back at me and feel alive and beautiful again.

I feel sad because my ex husband was an abuser and a child sex offender, abused me and my child. After going through the pain of that, i never thought it would be possible to love again and trust another man, but when i met my recent partner he showed me how to feel real love one i never thought existed, and this was the happiest years to follow. It made me feel so angry that i found true happiness after all the pain i had been through, and that the man i loved and wanted to spend the rest of my life with died.

Then i look at photos of my sister with her husband and children and feel sad that my child dont have their daddy too. Now i live my life like i have an imaginary friend, only he isnt imaginary he is real, but i can't see and hear him the way i use to, but instead i know he is with me and our baby wherever we are, protecting us. The other day one of my friends told me she had a dream about him and me, and he sent her a song to give to me. The words of the song said " I won't let you go, not gone." and that really touched my heart as i wrote in my letter to him, i never see him as gone. and i never will.
Oct 02, 2011
 how are you and the baby doing?
by: Anonymous

Just read your entry because the love of my life died in an " if only" way, too.
I hope you and the baby are well.
Aug 15, 2011
 I know your loss.
by: Anonymous

Hi I don't know about losing anyone to epilepsy nut I sure know the pain you're going through. July 16, 2011 I woke up and came down stairs and found my husband had passed in his sleep. He had terrible back pain from a failed surgery and it was common for him to go down stairs to try and get mire comfortable. The worst thing was that my 17 year old son was home too and had to see his dad that way. I am only 37 and yesterday was our 18 wedding anniversary. Ifeel the same way as you, I have too long to wait till I see him again. Sometimes you wish you could go through an intersection and get hit and die just so you'll be with him again. We had an amazing marriage, we never fought and we were best friends. I am lucky to gave his two beautiful children though. He lives on through them. As your child grows up you will see his traits and qualities and your child will remind you if him and hopefully you will receive comfort in that. Tell you're child about his/her daddy and share lots of pictures. Hopefully with time we will heal. Right now it feels like we will never get through this. Trust that God has his reasons and they don't feel anymore pain. I'm sorry for your loss and I will pray for you when I say my own prayers for comfort tonight. Good luck with your baby and your future and God bless. By the way my husband had a heart attack he was too young to go.
Jul 17, 2011
 if only
by: Janelle

I'm so sorry to read of your partner's death. I cannot imagine how that would feel to loose him in that way. There are a couple people in my extended family who have epilepsy, and there have been a few scares.

As you wrote about your dread and fear--knowing something was wrong before hand, it took me back to my husband's death by traffic accident. He was so late that I knew something was terribly wrong.

There are no words that I can offer to take away the pain and the difficult journey ahead. But you will be in my thoughts this evening. I hope you find some info on the site that is helpful. And may you find surprising glimmers of hope along your way.

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