I did not realize

by Alison McQuade
(San Francisco)

I did not realize How much I would treasure the sudden memories of his wit and of his blowing kisses

I did not realize I would take his ashes to sleep with me every night and put my hand in them to feel an unattainable closeness

I did not realize How him being there made the difficult times in life a little more bearable

I did not realize that I would spill his ashes only one week after his death and have to vacuum them up - we were two people on a couch just the week before not knowing what was in store

I did not realize it would take more than 1,2,3,4 years to feel somewhat myself again.

I did not realize my own self would never be the same.

I did not realize that the loss of him from my life would permeate my every thought. My grief consumed me to the core. It was not kind.

I did not realize how many people would not understand grief and how I myself not so long ago was one of the unknowing....

I did not realize how happy I actually was until I lost him.

I did not realize that those who stood by me, friends and family alike would surprise and comfort me with their warmth and kindness when I needed it most.

I did not realize I would no longer feel like myself, my strong confident self. I lost a part of myself, the part I had discovered through knowing him.

I did not realize I would have to somehow forge a future and tally on if not for me for those I owed the gift of life to.

Alison McQuade

Click here to post comments

Join in and write your own page! It's easy to do. How? Simply click here to return to Your story.

Enjoy this page? Please pay it forward. Here's how...

Would you prefer to share this page with others by linking to it?

  1. Click on the HTML link code below.
  2. Copy and paste it, adding a note of your own, into your blog, a Web page, forums, a blog comment, your Facebook account, or anywhere that someone would find this page valuable.