Everytime I pray to God for help, EVERYTHING gets WORSE
I have been praying to God to help me and my husband for at least a year. First I was on heavy narcotics for severe back pain. I prayed to God to help and He helped me get off of those drugs. But then my husband and I started using powder cocaine.
Then my husband had a perforated ulcer and was in the hospital for almost two weeks. I was so happy (not because he was sick, but because I thought that would stop the madness). After he got home and was able to drive again, he brought crack cocaine home. It has been a nightmare since.
I have not been an angel. I should have said no, but I didn't. The stuff has turned me into someone I don't want to be. I don't steal or prostitute, but I spend money that needs to be payed to bills. But as much as that is true, I still want to do it.
The more that I pray, the worse drugs get ahold of me. I am afraid to pray. I don't know if the Devil is listening and using this. I know that I am responsible for my own actions. I am not trying to blame anyone or anything for my stupid behavior.
I know the difference between right and wrong. But I can't seem to find the strength to stop doing this...and I especially can't find the will to want to stop. I have everything good to live for. Other than my husband and I have not been able to find work in over a year, we have both had surgeries and health issues (before the major drug problems), financial issues, which none of that is an excuse. Maybe if someone else prays for me, God will help. I think He is sick of me and my stupid self.