Death of My Husband, and My Sorrow, Ill Health & Depression
I don't know how to pray; I don't feel I'm deserving of my prayers being answered because I've been angry about my husband dying, and I've felt that I have lost my faith along the way, since his diagnosis, his illness, and the aftermath of it all: depression, sadness, loneliness, fear, not understanding or coping, expecting more comfort and not getting it, and missing my husband so much that I go from anger, to not believing in anything any more, and at times turning away from You, Lord. People advise me to look to You for help, for answers, but my heart hurts so much, I can't even believe there is any help for such a torn, broken heart filled with pieces of glass that stab at it all day and all night. I don't like anything any more; nothing is the same without my dear husband of 44 years (46 years together, counting the 2 years before marriage.)
He's not here, but I am. I ask what for?
My health is failing, I'm lost, and I am very anxious about my future: I see myself alone, and I will never have the pure love he gave to me. Two are now one; Hugo is gone, I'm here; why, God?
Is this a naive prayer: yes, I know it is: however I say it anyway, "Could you please send Hugo home?" I need him, I miss him, I don't think I can or want to go on without him here beside me. That's my prayer, naive, but it's saying maybe I do believe, or I wouldn't be asking You this request.
With love, from imperfect me, Elisa