Dearly Loved, Dearly Wanted
I was pregnant with our second child. Our first Pregnancy went so well, with no battles to speak of, nothing out of the normal, we have a beautiful baby boy.
I was 11 weeks along, and things had not been going well, things were not "normal" and i just knew that this time, something was not right with my little one. I began to miscarry and an ultrasound confirmed that our little baby had died and that all hope was lost.
I was (still am) in shock and can't believe that it has happened to me. Even though our baby was so tiny, he or she was still a baby, still our child that we already loved dearly and wanted so much. I really can't tell you at what stage I am at right now in terms of my grief, it was only two weeks ago that we lost our little one.
I'm not angry now, but I have been. Mostly at people's comments about how it wasn't really a baby and that it should make it easier that I never met our little one. Yes, people really have said those words.
I believe that when you fall pregnant, you become a mother at that point. Everything you do, eat and breath, you know that it affects your child, so you begin "mothering" straight away. Nothing can take that away.
I miss my baby, and I always will.
I am so sorry to hear of your terrible loss and the unfeeling comments people have made to you. Miscarriage is very misunderstood and a silent grief because it feels so unreal to other people who didn't start to know your baby as you did.
You have so many hopes, dreams and love already to give to your little one. And now they are gone with him or her.
Your response is normal. I personally do not see the stages of grief as different linear steps you will progress through. They are emotions that you may or may not experience at one point or another. It is also normal to experience a variety of emotions over different periods of time.
So as much as possible try to give yourself the grace that you need to be where you are. In my experience the best thing that helped me was learning to express my various grief emotions. I ended up using a variety of means such as photography, grief journaling, and grief poetry. You might find some of these helpful as well. Or you might prefer something completely different.
But most important, find ways to get your emotions out of your body. And find things in life that can help you be hopeful.
My thoughts are with you today.
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