after my husband died

by dora weller
(united kingdom)

my husband had an affair 20 years ago, we came through it after a while and never talked about it again, excepy to throw out the odd remark. it wasnt until he died very unexpectedly after a short illness that a few weeks later i found evidence he had a 15 year affair with this woman. i found he had been telephoning her twice a week including while on holiday.

i contacted her to get answers, she claims that the last 6 years were only as friends, and she only saw him a few times a year, i feel that she isnt telling me the truth about their relationship as she previously told me things he told her about our relationship. (that something was missing) and he would never leave me because i was ill and needed him) in the last year i felt rejected when i approached him in a loving way, he just did not respond when i accused him of not caring he told me how wrong i was, and im sure he ment it, i now find myself wondering whether he stayed because he cared enough
for me not to hurt me, but could not walk away from her.

i cant ask him now so how can i ever get the
answers , not knowing how he really felt.i want to speak to her again, but cant face it if she refuses to talk to me . i am constantly obsessed and devistated with the grief of losing him, now this has left me in an emotional mess.

Comments for after my husband died

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Feb 14, 2013
thank you ( across the pond
by: Dora Weller

thank you brian for your words of support , i have now had 12 months to examine what i found out about my husbands affair, my husband was a very complex person and a man of few words,very clever a perfectionist in all he did,his one redeeming feature was a very kind and considerate man who would go out of his way to help others, but found it difficult to show emotion,this and the fact he had low self esteem and lacked confidence in himself ,i think led him into this affair with a woman he worked with, that befriended him, and he lent a helping hand as she was just divorced and in need of help, it was an ego boost to begin with which developed into an affair,she having just been divorced and looking for another man in her life, i still believe that yes he cared for me and my welfare and by his nature and our many years of marriage he would not walk away and hurt me, like all marriages we had our differences ,but through it all i still cared very deeply for this man... and he knew it would devastate me if he left. He stopped seeing this other woman when he retired after a 15 year affair,the following 6 years he was in weekly contact by phone and seldom saw this woman, so she tells me. i have spoken to her and saw another side to him that shocked me. i find it hard to believe he loved me having a total of a 20 year relationship right untill he died,he once told me i had got it all wrong and it wasnt what i think, never seen him so worried and scared that i would leave him, but that was in the early days of this relationship, yet he carried on seeing and keeping contact with her,which tells me he couldnt leave her and his feelings ran deep, my family and friends think it became no more than a friendship in the later years the romance long over, he was so clever to conceal this affair ,i never had a clue what was happening, he went to great lengths so i never found out. this woman says they would not have lasted 6 months had they lived together, and i think she,s right, he was master in his home and would not take change,. and would not give up hes possesions. but where does that leave me!!!!hurt ...confused.. and most of all angry that i never got the chance to confront him and have my say,....he took that right from me, had i had the chance to confront him i would not now be going round in circles trying to find answers, he may have died but hes left me in a living hell, not knowing if he loved me that is complicated grief. Its all to easy to put the past behind, but 50 years is a big chunk of my life to erase that easy. i appologise for being long winded and got carried away,i much appreciate the support your website offers.

Feb 13, 2013
Can't change the past but the present can change your future.
by: A Weller across the pond

Dearest Dora,

My sympathies for your loss. My great aunt was a Dora Weller so I felt compelled to share. My name is Brian, my mother also went thru this very same thing except she found the evidence while her husband was amidst the affair. She divorced him with our blessing. However, that didn't stop the devastation to our family. I think you hit on something without realizing it. He stayed with you. Was afraid if you found out you would leave him. Perhaps that is true but it suggests he didn't want the other woman the way he wanted you or he would have welcomed a divorce. He made a huge mistake by putting you thru that and remained loyal to you for whatever his reasons were. Although that does not dismiss his deed it should tell you how he felt about you. That other woman meant nothing to him and she should mean nothing to you my dear. An obsession never ends well. I trust your husband provided well for you and that your family finds rest and peace in forgiveness. I do so hope this helps.

Feb 07, 2013
letting go
by: Anonymous

know in your heart your husband did love you in his own way, perhaps it wasnt the deep love one some couples share but it was all he could give to you and for that be grateful, to carry resentments is not good., read the book of Psalms., king David was a man after God's heart and for that the good Lord loved him. He made many serious mistakes but thru it all he praised God every day! and prayed to God from his heart, this is helping me after losing a child we cared for 3 years., it tears my heart apart, but I know the good Lord has his plans for us., I pray your heart will learn the true love of our dear Saviour and you learn to forgive your late husband.

Sep 09, 2012
'after my husband died'
by: Cindy

Dora,

You need to let go so in your own heart...you will know Freedom!!

May 01, 2012
your husband
by: Janelle

Hi Dora,

It is very hard to move through a trauma like this. Some people find it helpful to write letters to their deceased loved ones expressing all the pain and mixed emotions that the person's life and death have caused. Obviously your husband cannot write back, but the process is about you expressing your feelings.


Apr 29, 2012
after my husband died
by: dora

thank you janelle for your concern, my problem is not knowing how my husband really felt about me,and this is stopping me from moving on and coping with the grief of losing him, ifeel so angry that i cant confront him for answers, and i can only think of the negative responses i got from him emotionally in the last few months before he died. this makes me think he had feelings for this woman but felt a duty to stay with me, i cant be sure but these thoughts dont go away, i know he cared for me very much,he told me so when i accused him of not caring, but is that love? i find i am so angry if he stayed out of loyalty and the many years we were together and there were good times to. my friends think he needed her as an ego boost as he lacked confidence in himself,that is true. and the early affair became no more than a friendship that he kept secret and held on to for some kind of emotional support, i really dont know, but he wwnt to great lenghths to keep this relationship secret ,was this because he didnt want to hurt me, or was he scared i would leave him? and i would have if i had known this early relationship was still active. i told him years ago there would be bo second chance.this is my dilema,i can only get some answers from her, but i will always wonder why he stayed. how can i move on from this trauma

Apr 27, 2012
complicated pain
by: Janelle

Dear Dora,

I'm so sorry for this emotional mess you are experiencing on top of the loss of losing your husband. It would be natural for you to have a lot of different emotions experiences as a result.

I don't know what your particular style is, but I wonder if some of the grief journaling, photo reflection activities, or Lament exercises would be helpful to you at all.

You also might find the trauma healing information helpful to understanding your journey.

My thoughts are with you.

Janelle

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