A hole in my heart
Where can a Mom begin? How do you put into words the awe and love a Mothers heart holds?
On June 9,1965, my little Eric was born, ....born to a Mom who had no idea ...how to be a Mom. The whole time I was carrying this blessed little baby, I kept thinking...it would come naturally, that somehow I would know how to be a "Mom". My own mother was not what I wanted to emmulate, and I so wanted to be a "good" Mom, Others had told me that the first time they held their babies ...they were overwhelmed with such love and devotion, that they would give their life for their babies.
So Eric arrived....a bundle of pitch-black hair..and skinney little body, ...as the nurse brought him to me....I didn't fall in love..terror...pure terror ..fear..unrelenting fear gripped my heart, and I was aware of how little I knew of being a "Mom" how was I ever going to keep him safe? to keep him from harms way? to teach him when I knew so little myself...the tears fell one after another ...and I knew there was no turning back ...that my life was not mine...my every thought was worry..only I knew how very inadequte for this job I was. We went through the motions of coming home, getting just the right out-fit....a right schedule..but still this fear...loomed in my heart. Finally, we were alone...Eric and I, I rocked and cried, finally in fear, I called out to God, Help me...help me raise this little person, I give him to You, but help me..slowly I felt a calming presence, but through out Eric's years...that fear was always in the corner of my heart.
On Feb.3 2012, Eric died of an over-dose of cocaine and alcohol. He left 2 children, many loving friends, a bewildered and loving brother, a broken-hearted sister, a Mom who wonders still today what I could have done to prevent this. What was it that Eric was seeking? He had a love for God, he sought as a young man a walk with God, he wanted so to bring others to Jesus, yet at the same time...seemed to refuse the discipline of walking in Christs teachings, he wanted to have one part of who he was in the world of freedom...freedom to alter your brain, freedom to "feel" love, yet at the same time...he would take scriptures and make them fit what he believed was thruth...he would never attend church...because in his reading Sunday was not the Sabboth, for a very long time he would speak in scripture only. ..and so as life happens..he seemed to enjoy for a few years the wonderful part of being a husband and a "Papa" ...the love that he had for his children was a beautiful part of who he was...and for awhile I thought he had found peace. But the pressures of bills, the pressures of living two lives...eventually took his life from him.
He got caught into the trap of feeling loved and accepted by the people who used,bought and sold drugs. He had been "going out" with buddies every-nite after the kids went to bed, and on that terrible night...his last text was "I've taken something...I'm really messed up"...got to his car...cracked the windows...and some time in that cold, dark night died.
Here is where I am now. After going through the motions of grieving. After nights of sobs, days of trying to just understand how this happened. I had a time when I railed against God...why? Why? In my mind...others that I've read about, have followed the "light" ...given a chance to come back and live, others have been rescued ..at just the last minute...Why? Why couldn't You have allowed Eric one more chance? Why? He had so much to live for....in an uncontrollable anger...I pleaded my case...slowly and not-so-slowly..a small thought came..."What make you think I didn't"? ...What makes you think I didn't give the chance< so this is my belief...not fact...just what has brought me comfort...that some how...in that dark night...when Eric was losing his life...he saw what it would take for him to return to God's ways, to live a life of integrity, a life of honoring God....what changes it would take. He would lose his job, his home....then I believe he was shown what would happen with his wife and children if he decided to go with God...and I believe that he gave the ultimate sacrifice.
I watch my daughter-in-law now, Eric had provided with ample life insurance, and she has the security of Social Security, more than she has ever had in her life, she has not as yet had to leave the kids...to try to find work, I watch as she moves forward...struggles yes....but if I in my better moments think of the choice ...this for them was the better...and yes even for Eric...the better choice to be with God.